Child of War: An Aberration Story

"We must not lose sight of the fact that we have options."

So times are sucky. People are losing jobs, stores are closing left and right, and the good ole' American staple, peanut butter, is being recalled everywhere. Or maybe you have a job but simply can't stand it half the time. Is your boss a jerk? Maybe your family is driving you batty. They just don't appreciate you, do they? Perhaps you're miserable because you can't seem to shed the twenty pounds you've been carrying around for years. And furthermore, when the hell is someone, anyone, really going to love you for who you are? Maybe you're lonely. While all of these predicaments are important, before you get too downtrodden and break out the ice cream, a board to beat your head upon, or full scale ammunition, consider this--things could be worse.

Evelyne Tannehill was born in January of 1936 in the German province of East Prussia. Unfortunately, this was not a lucky place to be born in the mid-1930s or early 40s. By the time she was nine years old, families were forced apart, people were killed, and hunger was rampant. Freedom lost its meaning, and suffering became the norm. There were no pounds to lose, or peanut butter to lick off a spoon. Love was ripped away, and jobs were like diamonds. Life--and all its beautiful predicaments--was extinguished as if it had absolutely no meaning. This was Evelyne's childhood and adolescence, which she has eloquently recounted in her book, Abandoned and Forgotten: An Orphan Girl’s Tale of Survival during World War II.

Each life is filled with unique aberrations that hold equally profound significance to its owner. Let's face it, life can suck! But could it be that human suffering exists on a bell-shaped curve? If so, I would put the suffering of children at the most extreme negative end of that arc. Childhood tragedy has a knack for tangling its way completely around who we are and who we become. It takes profound determination and courage to overcome such misfortune. Evelyne has done just that, and I'm so honored to include her in the Aberration Nation.

So do me a huge favor. Next time you're down in the dumps, take Evelyne's advice and, "Get over it." Hold your head up and away from that banging board of frustration. Put down the ice cream scooper and do something about it. You always have options. If you don't think you do, perhaps you're just not looking hard enough.

So many of us choose to focus on the negatives in our lives although there are positives all around us. As a child, you were stripped of the freedom, love, and security many of us take for granted. Can you give us an idea of what your childhood was like, and why it was unique?

My childhood ended when within a period of six months I lost all that constituted my secure world. I lost my father, mother, sister, two bothers, two dear aunts, my physical home, my cat, my dog, and my precious doll which I had just received for my 9th birthday. This occurred the beginning of 1945 when Germany was losing WWII and the Russian Red Army was fighting its way toward victory in Berlin.

Even growing up as a young girl during war time in Germany (while my family was still intact), my childhood certainly wasn't normal as compared to growing up in the US, for example. But it appeared normal to me. Watching the fathers, older brothers, and uncles of all my friends being put into uniform and sent off to the various fronts seemed normal. Even their not returning, or returning with an arm, a leg, or an eye missing, seemed normal at the time. What bothered me most was that my father, the foreigner, (as our neighbors referred to him) was an aberration. (He was a naturalized American citizen.) Upon reflection, I realize that as children we very much wanted to belong, even in the negative sense.

Very young children can’t discern what is good or bad in the world around them, certainly not within the larger picture. For instance, our parents sent out mixed signals. They taught us not to lie or cheat, yet during a time of severe rationing and shortages my mother made me go into a store for a light bulb a second time and made me say that I had not been there before--when in fact I had. I was so frightened that I thought both mother and I would end up being punished in some way. It was an extremely confusing world for a child. So I was already confused when everything suddenly collapsed around me and I found myself without the loving protection parents and a family provide.

No child should have to endure the terrors of war. How did you cope day to day? What kept you going?

Once everything that I held dear and made up my small world had been ripped away from me I escaped into a world of fantasy and fairy tales. I made up all types of pleasant scenarios in my head, scenes of rescue and liberation from my state of enslavement in a very abusive environment. For instance, I imagined the sudden reappearance of my father in the form of a brave knight in shining armor on a white horse who would appear one day, sweep me up and kiss all my fear and hurt away, or, the reappearance of my dead mother who would take me with her into her grave and hold me in her loving arms to keep me safe--sometimes it would simply be a kind stranger. My grandmother had introduced me to the world of fairy tales at a very young age. When things got too difficult to bear, I buried myself in a world of make believe to the point where life became a blur of reality and nightmare and I had trouble distinguishing between the two.

Physical pain and misfortune are terrible to bear, but pain and torture of the soul can be even longer lasting, especially when inflicted during childhood. How did having those experiences, and overcoming them, impact your adult life? Although I know it must have been difficult, were you able to find positives in your story of survival?

I had very low self esteem, was extremely shy, and trusted no one. If some one singled me out in a group of people and talked to me, I blushed and actually stuttered my answer. I eventually realized that I had to take charge of my life. The first thing I learned to do was not to take anything personal. I had lived in an angry environment where everyone was hurting, had an axe to grind, and was angry about the injustice that had been done to them. (I'm referring to our experience with the Russians and the Poles in my book.) My harsh experiences taught me a lot about human nature. I learned not to judge people but instead to wonder what has happened in their lives that made them into what they have become.

Many of us struggle as adults to forgive and forget any ills imposed upon us as children. As your life progressed into adulthood, how were you able to find a place in your heart and soul for the pain of your childhood?

I did not have much of a support system in my later teens and early twenties. I barely finished high school and had to go out into the world to work and support myself. I had no time for self pity. On the contrary, I considered myself very lucky to have survived my troubled past and I focused on self improvement, especially learning the English language so I would never find myself in dire straights and in need of help from anyone.

What are your thoughts on folks today who see themselves as victims during everyday American life simple because things aren't going their way?

Get over it. Take charge of your life and get on with it. Wallowing in the negative and the cruel fate you may feel you have been dealt is very destructive and it does not matter against whom you make your charges or accusations, even is God seems far away during those dark times, only you can find your way back. Learn from your mistakes. Make friends, and above all, learn to be a friend.

Sometimes when struck with tragedy, we realize that we can choose to either sink or swim. Sinking gets us nowhere but swimming can take us somewhere else--and so we make that choice. Do you believe that the push tragedy gives us to swim in a particular direction can ultimately lead us to a better place?

Without a doubt. Over a life time tragedy occurs in almost everyone’s life in one form or another. The quicker you find or recognize the lesson to be learned from it the sooner you will find happiness, or at least peace. We must not lose sight of the fact that we have options. So often when one door closes another one opens. The philosopher Kant put it very wisely by saying, “Adversity makes you strong.” People with a strong belief system fare better than those who do not have one. But either way, ultimately only you can pull yourself up and stay up. Family and friends can help, but you have to do the work.

As you've made your way through life here in America, how have you been able to incorporate the experiences of your childhood into our materialistic culture of instant gratification? Has it been challenging to connect with others who perhaps don't have the depth of experience that you brought with you?

When I first came to the US, I felt very disconnected from my peers because I had no shared cultural experiences. I came from opposite ends of the growing up experience. In Germany my living space was very small. School was extremely strict. We did not play the same games--even sports. We did not have the same toys (better said--no toys) and we were held responsible for our actions. The one thing that bothers and surprises me even today in this country, is the fact that no one takes responsibility for foolish actions or anything negative that happens to them. It is always somebody else’s fault.

What has your life taught you about the human spirit?

With the right positive attitude you can overcome anything.

If you could say one thing to folks who may be feeling as if there is no hope for a better tomorrow, what would that be?

Look around you--there is beauty everywhere. Learn to distinguish the difference between your desires/wants and your actual needs and then focus on what your real needs are.

Special Ed: An Aberration Story

"The main thing you can do as a parent that no one else can do as effectively, is believe in them."

Remember the song, He Ain't Heavy. He's My Brother? Well, my older brother wasn't heavy, but he had a learning disability. Just sixteen months apart, and looking like twins for much of our childhood, I soared through grade school with my hands tied behind my back while John struggled. Funny thing is--John's IQ is higher than mine. And I ain't no dummy. He was smart and I knew it. I could never win an argument with him, and he outsmarted me daily in all practical matters. His frustration was a palpable element of my childhood, and I wished I could make it go away.



I remember reading to him at six and seven years old, and Mom helping him with his homework for hours. I also remember bullies taunting me with the word retarded, and me yelling back, "My brother is smarter than you!" Over the years, he came to symbolize for me what being your own man truly means. He knew he was smart. He never gave up believing that he could somehow overcome the circuitry in his head that seemed to hold him down.

And he did! He was the first person who showed me that obstacles can be overcome, life goes on, and determination is key. By the time he graduated from high school, he was the most well read teenager I knew. His tiny room was filled with the books he'd read, and the stories he'd written.

John has joined the Aberration Nation and hopes his insight can help others better understand what it's like to be a kid in the special education system. He's a living testament to the fact that with help and determination, no kid has to be left behind.

You had a learning disability as a child during the 1970's. You attended special education classes, and then went on to attend a special, private school for several years. Back then, there didn't seem to be as many specific terms for learning disabilities. Can you tell us about the nature of your learning disability?

My problem was primarily one of short attention span and lack of interest. However, there was another component to it that is not so easily explained. I am a compulsive explorer of ideas and I free associate constantly. When you put all of these factors together you end up with scenarios like this. My teacher would give me an assignment to complete within the next half hour. I would start on it, find it boring, and then notice a fly in the room, which would remind me of a bumble bee I saw earlier in the day. I would then jump to helicopters because they use a similar form of flight, wonder if UFOs use the same type of propulsion, contemplate where UFOs come from and if they exist, and the existence of UFOs would challenge me and it wasn't boring. This would go on until suddenly the teacher would be there asking for my paper. In many cases, I would be shocked to realize that my time was up and my work wasn't done. As I got older, I developed the ability to snap myself out of these flights of fancy, but it was next to impossible when I was a child. The result of all this was that I fell farther and farther behind my class mates in school.

Do you recall how your learning disability came to light? Do you remember having trouble learning to read?

I don’t remember much about how it was decided that I had a learning disability, but I do remember having trouble learning to read. It was very frustrating. I was very smart as a child and I remember that the things that interested me were way above my reading level and the things at my reading level were so silly that they insulted my intelligence. It was horribly embarrassing to try to read something like that and fail. I didn’t want anything to do with, “See spot run.”

What did your parents do to support you, and was there anything else they could have done?

As far as I could tell, my father didn't have as much day-to-day involvement with my educational problems, but I never thought much about it because my mother was very involved. She drove me to school often, and tried to help in various ways. She got me into special schools. I don’t know if there was anything else they could have done to help me, and to be honest, I’ve never thought about it that way. I’m thankful for the help I did get. I think they did everything they could think of and could afford to do. As I grew older, my father had a great influence on my continued reading. He and my sister were avid readers, which created a positive environment for me, in terms of reading.

How did having a learning disability impact you socially? How did you deal with it as a young child?

When I was very young, I was oblivious to any social issues surrounding my learning problems. As I got older, I became very hard nosed about it. I decided that I didn’t care what others thought about anything. I became rather isolated and detached. As a result, I had a few very close friends and everyone else I ignored. Oddly enough this had the beneficial effect of insulating me from almost all the pier pressure that most children have to deal with. I made up my own mind about just about everything and if others didn’t like it, that was just tough for them. Of course, this also included my parents and sometimes that caused problems as you might imagine.

There are many examples in history of highly intelligent people who had learning disabilities. By the time you reached high school, you were able to go back into regular public school, and then you went on to obtain a college degree. Were you able to easily keep up at that point?

It’s true that I went back into public school, but it was far from easy. I still did very poorly at anything that didn’t fire my interest and imagination. If it was boring--and there were a great many boring things in high school--I still had concentration and attention span issues. It is important to understand that being bored by something didn’t mean that I didn’t understand that it was important. It just meant that no matter how hard I tried to get interested in it, I couldn’t. If the interest wasn’t there, then the ability to concentrate on it went out the window. To this day I don’t know why I’m like that, but to be honest, I don’t think it would make a difference even if I did. There were a few things that I did rather well at but they were few and far between. I developed a personal motto that I reminded myself of over and over again through the years. The motto goes like this, I may not finish first, but I never give up--no matter what.

Once you learned to read, you became an avid reader. You also have a high IQ. Did your early struggle to learn, and your success in overcoming hurdles that others easily scaled, help to build your character? If so, how?

This is true. Once I learned to read, I discovered a love of science fiction and fantasy that kept me reading constantly. My high IQ has been both a blessing and a curse in many ways. I often see more deeply into issues than those around me, but I'm seldom smart enough to find a truly profound solution to the problems I see. My struggles have driven me to do a great deal of soul searching over the years, and I'm sure that played a role in shaping my character, but I would have happily jumped at the chance to correct the problems I had if the opportunity had presented itself.

As a great example of a child with a learning disability who grew to be an avid reader and successful adult, what advice can you give parents who fear their children will continue to lag behind?

There is no way to know for sure if your children will overcome the problems that they face in life no matter what those problems are. The main thing you can do as a parent that no one else can do as effectively, is believe in them. When everyone else in the entire world has given up on them, written them off, or told them that they can’t succeed, you can be the one who says, “You can do it if you refuse to give up”. (By the way, you can’t go wrong if you follow that advice with your spouse as well.) Teach them how to face failure with honor and grace, and remember what Batman’s butler said, “The reason we fall down, is so that we can learn to pick ourselves up again.” When you fall down all the time, you need to live by those words.

If you could tell the world anything about children who struggle academically, particularly with learning to read, what would that be?

Often these children are treated by others as if they don’t care that they are not doing as well as the other children. Many of them even pretend that they don’t care because it's too painful and embarrassing to admit that they care. Trust me when I say that no matter how they act, they care, and it hurts, and in most cases they would like nothing more than to be normal. They just don’t know how to be anything other than what they are.

Alcoholism: An Aberration Story

"... I'm truly grateful for the tough but profound life changing experience I've lived through."

A great guy I knew in college lived by the motto, Everything in Moderation. Curiously, he seemed to mention this to me quite a bit. He likely knew about the addiction I'd developed at the time; it nearly did me in. Mine was an odd sort of obsession but none-the-less powerful. It completely striped away what little self-esteem I had, and led me to some extremely dark and lonely places. All these years later, I joke at times, saying that coffee is my only addiction. (Lots of people seem to say that these days.) The truth is that many of us live in jeopardy of developing obsessions, cravings, and life-threatening addictions, and there's nothing funny about it.

This week marks Tyrone Patrick Fahey's tenth anniversary of sobriety. Although he's been healthy for a decade now, Tyrone was not as fortunate as some in fighting the aberration called addiction. Life put him on a long, destructive journey that none of us would ever wish to take. He tried over 100 times to get off his own personal train of destruction. He failed and failed and failed and failed. But he did not give up. Now Tyrone is free and can celebrate the gifts that come with such a convoluted path. He hopes to make a difference by sharing the methodology he developed to halt his train of alcoholic misery and settle into a healthy, happy existence. He chronicles his unique and courageous story in One Man's Take on Beating Alcoholism.

According to Tyrone (who lives in Australia), 48 people die on US roads daily due to drunk driving. He points out that if the US were losing troops abroad at that rate, there would be a national uproar demanding action. Tyrone questions what has happened to us a whole. "Where are our priorities?" he asks. Have we gone soft on the issue of alcoholism now that nearly every US college campus seems to be a drunken party where it's actually cool to suck alcohol out of a stranger's germ-infested belly button while everyone cheers? Trust me, I'm certainly no party pooper but I ultimately decided that my wise college friend got it right. You decide.

Your battle with alcoholism has been a particularly tough one. Can you give us a synopsis of how alcohol abuse impacted your life?

Missed opportunities, loss of girlfriend/fiance, frequent bar room brawls, loss of respect of others, car accidents, loss of driving license, missing work, associating with dark characters often found in Pubs across Australia and the manipulation tactics employed by these predatory criminals. At the end of the day, I found myself alone, unhappy, broke, unemployed, hungry, and without abode. Suicide kept making its way onto my mental list of options.

You've said that it took you at least 100 false starts to overcome alcoholism. Tell us what finally brought success. Was it a particular program, a particular mindset, both, etc.?

Since I'd spent years in denial, my first step was to admit that I was an alcoholic. Secondly, I realized that I had to take responsibility. I had to take control of my mind and disable the awful thoughts of continued drinking. Verbalization, visualization, prayer, and belief in a better life (as described in detail in my book) lifted me out the quagmire. This was accompanied by two major discoveries. One was that I actually chose to be an alcoholic prior to my birth in order to experience the process of overcoming the disease, which allowed for personal development and spiritual growth not otherwise available to a nonalcoholic. The second revelation was that we are Spiritual Beings having a Human experience, and not the other way around. This provided me with an overview or perspective that has given me a greater universal understanding and clarity. The result has been an ability to handle life and its occasional woes with a lot more ease.

Many of us struggle over how to embrace our past mistakes and struggles. How have you learned to accept yourself, and blend the negatives with the positives in such a way that enables you to be proud of who you are and have hope for the future?

Yes, I have accepted and lovingly embraced my cloudy past as it has helped form the person I am today. Sometimes in order to find out what you want to be, you have to find out what you don't want to be. I can't change the past, but without alcohol I can steer and direct my life as opposed to life dictating terms to me. I'm not too sure if pride is a word I wish to use here, but I know what you're getting at. I think I'm more amazed at the resilience of the Human Spirit over adversity more than anything else. When the Spirit is acknowledged and activated, there are no mountains that can't be conquered!

Alcoholism is one of the most widely discussed addictions. Do you think there are misconceptions regarding alcohol abuse? Does everything have the right idea about what causes it, how it begins, etc.?

Absolutely! Most people think that an alcoholic is the old man who lives under the bridge, wearing a heavy overcoat with a bottle of cheap cherry in his hand. In reality, he's also a Judge, a Police Officer, the Postman, your neighbor, your brother and sisters. Most people think that it's luck of the draw genetically if we are born into an alcoholic family. This often gives one the opportunity to blame others for their alcoholism. my book includes a self test. Many people find it disturbing when they realize that they fit the profile of an alcoholic. They are usually horrified and indignant. A mirror has been held up and they don't like what they see. I encounter this reaction quite a bit but it can be the beginning of change if one can accept this disease and move out of denial. These aren't the people that I'm looking to assist. These are people that are happy to continue in their ways but got ambushed in the cross-fire of a quiz! Messages to 'wake up" arrive in many forms but it falls back to the individual to run with it or not. As always, it has to be an individual decision to seek change. It's tough to change your life from a practicing alcoholic to a nonpracticing alcoholic but I think it's even harder to maintain that awful lifestyle of continuing self degradation and misery.

Aberration Nation is all about getting past our misconceptions about what is normal. Was there a time in your life when you felt that normal was beyond your reach? How do you feel about that concept now?

I know exactly what you mean Penelope! As I was descending the the slippery greasy pole of alcoholism, I noticed that my bunch of keys (house, car, work, etc.) had diminished to none! This was reflective of how I was viewed as unreliable and irresponsible by those around me. I was locked out of the normalcy of life. I couldn't be trusted with a simple set of keys!

I just counted sixteen keys on my bunch now .... thank God!

You've developed ways to reach out to others as a result of your experience. Can you tell us about that and how it has helped heal your own life?

I now believe that the best way to help re-enforce one's ongoing war against alcoholism is to help those other with the disease. My book was written primarily for those who are currently caught in the jaws of alcoholism. It speaks to how to best beat it off for once and all. The book gives a simple yet highly effective method in overcoming the disease. It has also been written for those who are already walking down the road to recovery with the aim to further boost their resolve. It also gives nonalcoholics insight into the mind of the alcoholic. Alcoholic Army is an online community that serves as an extension of the book. It's a site where members can anonymously share stories of hope, help and humor which is supported by a unique promotion system based on the amount of months off the booze (i.e 1 month is a Lance Corporal through to 100 months for a General.) The concepts of discipline, solidarity and sense of belonging allow the Troopers to empower themselves as they traverse along the road of recovery. A monthly news letter goes out as well. I've also created this for self serving reasons in that it helps keep my resolve at an optimum level. There are back stops that I've included in the program because I've known many people who resumed drinking after many years of abstinence only to succumb to a horrible end. I would rather die right here and now than resume that lifestyle. The thought of that lifestyle turns my stomach but I've seen some great souls falter and refuse to be counted in their numbers. Eternal vigilance IS the price of freedom here.

I've developed a strong belief that moderation in just about everything is a good way to stay healthy. At least in the US, drinking seems to be glorified by college students more than ever these days. Do you share the fear that this could lead to increased alcoholism down the road, or do you think what's happening is nothing new?

One person is killed every 30 minutes on US roads due to a drunk driver. If the US Military was losing a soldier, sailor, air-man or marine every half an hour, there would be a national uproar demanding action! That's like losing a platoon of soldiers every day! Yet the carnage on the roads continues. What kind of world are we leaving behind for our kids and their kids? Will we wake up in time? The world looks to the US to lead the way. Now would be a good time to get tougher on drink driving as the figures indicate that the numbers are continuing to increase. Last year 30,000,000--yes 30 million--people in the US took to the road while over the legal alcohol limit
That is a staggering figure!

The twists and turns of life don't always allow us to follow a straight and narrow path to fulfillment. Do you feel that the tough road your life took was in some way necessary to bring you to this point? In other words, do you ultimately see value in the struggle that seemed inevitable?

100% Penelope! The old saying that What doesn't kill you will only make you stronger springs to mind here. Fortunately, I'm now in a position to say that I'm truly grateful for the tough but profound life changing experience I've lived through. It's been worth the struggle but my greatest hope is that it hasn't all been for nothing. I hope that others can learn from my experiences.

If you could choose a motto for your life, what would that be?

Death before dishonor!

Hunger: An Aberration Story

"... this circuitous path I've walked has brought me to a wonderful place."

The verb hunger means to have a strong desire. Lust, crave, itch, thirst. Those are its synonyms. We all hunger for basic emotional needs such as love, acceptance, control, and freedom. And the reality is that some of us focus on these necessities much more than others due to genetics, stress, and personal history.

If only we could place our hands around those wonderful intangibles and shove them into the few open orifices we have. If there were only a safe, fantastical pill that could carry all that we crave deep into the bowels of who we are. Could we finally be satisfied? Could we be content with the face in our mirror--warts, curves, and all?

If there were such a pill, it just might work. But there is no magic panacea, and there never will be. If there was, Marya Hornbacher would surely have found it. In her critically acclaimed memoir, Wasted, Marya shares her courageous battle with anorexia and bulimia. Both conditions continue to be perpetuated by our size zero, competitive society. If our strengths can also be our weaknesses, it may also be true for culture. The American dream, the self-made man, and the ability to have it all has a darker side in more ways than one. Our cultural legacy to control our own destiny, and captain our own courageous ship, has a sharp edge that just may kill you on the way to your dream.

Marya has joined the Aberration Nation. Her reflective answers about her journey as well as how our culture continues to undermine those susceptible to all types of eating disorders is fascinating, well-said, honest, and inspiring. No doubt, the same aspects that made her memoir a Pulitzer Prize nominee.

You've been diagnosed with and have overcome anorexia and bulimia. While many of us are now generally familiar with anorexia and bulimia, can you tell us in plain terms what they're really all about? I suspect that some of us still don't get it.

Eating disorders are complicated, and touch all areas of a person's life--his or her body, mind, and spirit are all affected, and all are involved in the development of the disorders as well. The usual answer given to the question of "what are eating disorders about?" is "control"--and that's not wrong. People with anorexia, bulimia, binge eating disorder, and the variations on these themes, tend to struggle with a sense that they are out of control of their lives and their worlds; the desire for control is then projected onto the body, as a kind of "object" that can be controlled, or so we are told and often believe. In my own experience, eating disorders are very much about fear; the fear that one is too much, not enough, not right, all wrong, and on and on, in a kind of endless refrain of inadequacy and excess, as well as a fear about one's ability to navigate the challenging waters of life and the world. They are also a manifestation of this culture's obsession with food, body, and weight, and a literalization of the rather deathly images of beauty that are plastered on the walls of our Western world. I am always surprised that people can possibly wonder why some of us get eating disorders, when they are in fact encouraged and rewarded in so many ways. The hell of it is, you often set out with the belief that "losing a few pounds" will make you happier in some vague way, and find that, because of your personal makeup and set of issues, you are caught up in an often-fatal addiction.

Your struggle with eating disorders began at very young age. Can you tell us about that, and explain how young children can also be susceptible to eating disorders?

I developed bulimia when I was nine. It was less common back then for someone to develop an eating disorder so young, but it's terrifyingly frequent now. Children are exposed to the same cultural messages as the rest of us, but they have even fewer filters to help them understand what they're being told; children who are predisposed, through personality, chemistry, and/or family, to develop addictive or otherwise unhealthy behaviors, may develop eating disorders very early on. Children, both boys and girls, are aware of the pressure to have some mythical "perfect" body, translated usually as a thin body, and they may take that pressure very seriously and try to respond. Some kids grow up in families that are actively body- and food-obsessed, so they are aware of the pressures at home as well. In my case, there was a combination of family pressure and obsession with food and weight, plus my own excessive awareness of the larger cultural pressure, plus the various personality traits that contribute to eating disorder development (such as perfectionism, competitiveness, and self-dislike), as well as an underlying mental illness (in my case, bipolar disorder); this combination is not terribly uncommon.

How did you come to be diagnosed with anorexia and bulimia? How did you initially cope? What were some of the greatest challenges to overcoming these aberrations?

I was diagnosed at the age of 16, when the medical toll of the disorders was great enough that I couldn't hide them anymore, and I was hospitalized. My hope is that families, friends, teachers, and counselors are more aware of eating disorders these days and can identify the signs sooner. As is usually the case, I was deeply disinterested in recovery at first, and seriously in denial about the severity of the problem; I didn't want help, and refused to cooperate in my own care. It wasn't until several years and many hospitalizations later that I made the choice to recover. At that time, I clung hard to the people I loved, who were extremely supportive, and I worked my butt off in therapy to get at the root of my troubles. But the simple process of re-learning how to take care of my body, and to trust it, was the most immediately necessary step toward recovering. You can wonder about your issues all you want, but if you don't take active steps to change your behavior, you won't get far. The greatest challenge was my own fear of recovery--I had had an eating disorder for so long that I couldn't discern where I ended and the eating disorder began, so recovering seemed very threatening. A second challenge was tuning out all of those cultural messages that encourage obsession and self-damaging behaviors. That's hard to do, and very necessary. You have to become stronger than the messages you hear, and define for yourself who you want to be, defining that person not by how you look or how much you do, but by who you are and what you believe.

Was there a turning point in your recovery? If so, what made the difference in your life? Was it ultimately something that someone else did for you or said, or was it an internal change or resolve that saved you?

There were people all along the way whose words helped me, even though they didn't magically make things better. I drew on those words of support and encouragement and challenge, and I still do. There is unfortunately no magic moment when one turns the corner; it's a combination of other people's assistance and your own internal determination to live a better life unrestricted by obsession. At a certain point in early recovery, though, I did make the decision to stop the behaviors (binging, purging, starving, over-exercising) absolutely, no matter what; that was a tough decision to make and stick with, but it can be done. I told myself that I was giving health six months--if I hated living without my eating disorder, I could always go back. And while it was hard to live without it, it was so much better in every way to live in freedom that I stuck it out. Gradually, living healthy got easier, and then it became natural, and now it's just the way I live. Getting through those first difficult stages is the hardest part; then the rewards of health come fast and furious, and you begin to see how much you were missing while you were sick.

Can one fully recover from anorexia and/or bulimia, or do they pose a lifelong struggle similar to alcoholism? How have you managed to remain healthy?

One can fully recover. It isn't easy, and unfortunately there is the belief that it can't be done; this belief encourages people to think it isn't worth trying. But it is worth it. The comparison with alcoholism isn't entirely off, though; I am a recovering alcoholic, and I don't think of it as something I "struggle" with, or will struggle with all my life. It isn't a struggle to stay off the sauce; it's a choice, and the real work is the personal growth one needs to continue doing over the years. I also know that I am at a higher risk of winding up drunk than is the average person, so I have to make sure I'm doing the personal work I need to in order to stay away from that first drink. Similarly, I'm at a higher risk for relapsing into eating disordered behavior than your average person is; I need to keep doing the personal work to stay away from that, too. But the idea of these things as "struggle" gives them a negative connotation that they don't have to have; they are choices one maintains with consistent effort. That's a good thing, not a bad thing.

You have gone on to become an accomplished writer and advocate. What has been the biggest struggle in achieving your goals and how have you managed?

The biggest obstacle to meeting my goals has always been my fear. I think that stops more people from realizing their personal dreams than anything else. Fear is my biggest challenge, and I meet it by doing the things I want to do whether they scare me or not. As Georgia O'Keeffe said, "I'm afraid all the time. But I never, never let it stop me." I wouldn't say I'm afraid all the time. But when I am, I don't let it stop me.

Anorexia and bulimia can be killers. While there seemed to be a considerable amount of attention given them in the late 80's and 90's, they seem to have slowly dropped on the radar since the year 2000. In the meantime, while the media and social pressures to be thin may have shifted a little, a large number of girls and women still idolize size zero, and obesity remains a national issue. Do you feel that enough has been done to educate people about eating disorders?

No. But I also feel that people are very resistant to seeing the way in which they are engaged in their own degree of obsession and body-hatred, and this is a big part of what perpetuates eating disorders. We have normalized a hatred of the body and an obsession with food to the point where we expect people to behave and feel in ways that are actually not normal at all; this is what I mean when I say that our culture is eating disordered. Not many people know what it would mean to truly take care of and respect their bodies, and that's what's strange. The fact that some percentage of the population develops full-blown eating disorders isn't odd at all; it's just an extreme form of what we have come to see as normal self-dislike and lack of self-care. I'm not saying it's acceptable, just that it isn't surprising. I believe the most effective education about eating disorders would be to ask people to look at how they, too, obsess and engage in unhealthy behaviors; what do they believe about healthy, beauty, food, their bodies? The most important tool in changing society is the individual act. Until each of us, as individuals, make the decision to stop playing this game, there will be a problem in the cultural as a whole.

We would all love to have the easy route to happiness but it doesn't always happen that way. In what ways have the negative, powerful forces in your life enabled you to emerge as the courageous, positive person you are today? When you look back on your life, do you believe that the path it took led you to a great place?

I do. I am a very, very happy person, very grateful for the people in my life, and very blessed. Experience is a great teacher. I would prefer it if it hadn't taken me so long to learn what I have; no person's troubles are theirs alone, and the people I love have suffered through a lot with me. I wish that were not the case. But yes, I believe that this circuitous path I've walked has brought me to a wonderful place.

What are the top three things that friends and family can do for someone dealing with eating disorders?

1. Be honest. Don't ignore the problem. Tell them what you see, and be honest about how that makes you feel.
2. Help them find help. Don't try to take care of them, cure them, or fix them; know that these are complicated disorders that require the help of professionals wherever possible.
3. Once they have that help, don't coddle them. Love them, but be firm in your insistence that they keep working toward recovery.

On Being Gay: An Aberration Story

"We are who we are, and the more people can accept that fact, the better the world will be."

Aberration Nation is not about world peace, going green, or gay pride. It's not about healing all the ills that exist in our growing culture of materialism and instant gratification. It's about individual self-reflection and optimism. It's making lemonade out of lemons and smiling through our tears, knowing tears are part of package, and that tomorrow is a new day filled with opportunity and greater wisdom.

David is gay. Like many of us, he has come to understand and embrace his aberration with open arms. Like my own creativity and intellect and obsessiveness, it's part of who he is--not to be squelched, belittled, or misunderstood. When I was a little girl, I was taught that God knew every hair on my head even before I came into this vast world. If he created me and each strand of hair on my head, why would he inflict creativity upon me only to expect and watch me struggle to ignore it? Wasn't it my gift? Why would an unenlightened, average thinking, uncreative world expect me to be someone I cannot be?

Last week I watched a program on the History channel about alternate universes. While I wasn't convinced of their existence after an hour of listening to the multiple fascinating scientific theories, I was struck by the vastness and mystery of the universe. I wondered how some people can be so resolutely sure about the origins, purpose, and future of our world. It is faith, arrogance, or a lack of intelligence that drives these all-knowing faces toward an enigmatic light, and farther away from me?

David, on the other hand, remains beside me in all his earnestness and honesty. He is a hero. His words relay to us the simple truth of who he is. If you can suspend all preconceived notions and stereotypes, you'll also hear the singing heart of us all. The sound it makes is as vast and beautiful as the universe.

So you're gay. Can you explain to us what that means in your own words? As you likely know, some of us still don't get it.

Being gay is really no different than being straight, bi, whatever. It's simply a matter of who you're attracted to and who you fall in love with. It's hard to put a definition on it. When I first came out and realized who I was, the question I was asked most often was, "How do you know you're gay?" I'd always ask, "How do you know you're straight?" It's just a knowledge that you have deep down inside.

I am a man and I'm attracted to men. That's the fact that makes most people uncomfortable because it's seen as being wrong. So many people say it's wrong--the church, the government, in some cases the media--and I just don't understand that. The way I look at it, it's all a matter of who you love, and therefore so many people are saying the entire ideal of love is wrong. That makes me angry. The church preaches tolerance and love, but only by their standards. The government is supposed to be there to uphold our freedom, yet they won't let gays marry, so we're not entirely free. The media will run any number of shows (The Bachelor, Bachelorette, etc.) that basically mock the idea of marriage (I cannot even begin to think that these people can find true love in a couple of weeks on a TV show!), but since it's about heterosexual couples, it's OK. It can be very infuriating sometimes, but I accept that this is how the world is right now, and just move on.

I'm sure there are plenty of people out there who can argue the same points against gays, but this is my perception.

How old were you when you realized you were gay, and how did you handle it? It's tough for many heterosexuals to understand. Many people still believe that being gay is a choice. Did you chose or did it chose you?

On some level I always knew I was gay. However, I never knew anyone else who was gay; I had no frame of reference to understand what I was feeling. I remember being in middle and high school and being attracted to other guys at my school, but not understanding what I was feeling, I just put it off as jealousy. I was never athletic. I wasn't in the popular crowd, and so I just put these feelings off as longing to be like these other guys--not necessarily that I was attracted to them. It wasn't until I was in my early 20s that I met anyone else who was gay. I remember the first time I was taken to a gay bar. It really opened my eyes to the fact that there were others out there like me. It was a real relief! I think it may be easier for young people today to come out, as being gay is more mainstream in the media and whatnot, but ten years ago, it still wasn't so easily accepted.

And no, there's no choice in the matter, just like there's no choice in being straight. The only choice that can be made is to not accept yourself, and therefore go the way others want you to go--the accepted way. I know people like that, and they are miserable. It's unfortunate, but there's nothing anyone can do for them. They need to accept themselves and be proud of who they are. When I first came out, I got that quite a bit from people too. They told me I was choosing to be the way I was trying to be. Trust me, at that time, if making a choice was involved, I would have chosen differently. My daily fear of not being accepted and wondering if I was going to be a disappointment to my family was too much to bear some days. But I couldn't lie to myself anymore, so I took that chance to choose to be true to myself. I've never looked back.

I was raised to feel that heterosexuality was a bad thing, that no sexuality--or at least hiding it--was best. It took me years to crawl past that message, and stop feeling guilty about what I wanted or what I had to express. Once you were open about your homosexual identity and/or life, how did your family and friends react? Was there anyone who refused to accept you?

I lucked out with regard to my friends and family. My true friends immediately accepted me. In fact, one friend told me how much happier I seemed as soon as I came out, that I had become the person I was supposed to be. The few people who didn't accept me faded from my life, either by their choice or mine. I didn't ask them to leave, but if they couldn't accept me and move on with me, there was no place left for them in my life. It was a selfish choice, but at the time, I needed people around me who were accepting; I didn't need anymore self-inflicted challenges like fighting with people to get them to accept me. So many of the friends that I've made since I came out are so much more family now. I wouldn't give them up for the world.

My immediate family wasn't surprised at all. My step-father at the time had some problems with it at first but finally accepted it. His father never came around to the idea of my being gay, so that made family functions tough, but eventually we just adopted our own version of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" and moved on. That family isn't a part of my family anymore (my mother divorced a couple of years ago), and so my family has openly accepted me. It isn't even a discussion anymore.

I did have one particularly bad experience at a previous work place. I was informed that I could file a sexual discrimination charges, but what would have been the point? I was already in the process of switching jobs, and it wasn't worth it to them or me to make an issue of it. The people in the wrong knew they were in the wrong, and that was enough for me.

Since our bodies, who we love, and how we need to be loved are such a major part of our identities, why do you think people are so opposed to individuality? Why do they want us to all be the same? Do you think it's simply a religious belief or something more?

At this point, I don't often run into people who don't accept me, but I know my limits. Would I go wandering into a straight biker bar announcing I'm gay? Absolutely not. I try to have as much respect for those around me as I want them to have for me, so if I'm going somewhere where I will be the minority and it would make those around me uncomfortable, I don't advertise myself as gay, but I don't go out of my way to hide it, either.

I think most people who want us all to be the same are ashamed of themselves in some deep way. If everyone could be like them, it would somehow release them of their shame. Individuality can be a very intimidating aspect to some people because it takes a lot of strength to be the person you're meant to be, regardless of what others think. Expressing individuality can come across as intimidation as opposed to individuality; it's almost like some people are challenged by the individuality of the next guy.

While this aberration or difference (from the mainstream) has surely not made certain parts of your life easier, could you be any other way without sacrificing a huge part of yourself?

I don't think I could be any other way. I would probably have to sacrifice every part of who I am right now if I was to change myself. I have a wonderful circle of friends around me that are more family than friends at this point.

I am who I am. Are there things that I would change about myself? Of course. I'd like to lose some weight. I'd like to improve my lot in life. But these are superficial things that anybody might want to change. But the innermost parts of me that are ME. I wouldn't change anything about myself now. I couldn't change it. I consider myself a good friend, good brother, good son; just a good person. I'm proud of myself for overcoming the challenges that have come my way over the years and still maintained MYSELF.

Have you found ways to calm the fears or discomfort you may notice in others at times, or do you ignore non-verbal cues or words that relay resistance to your life and who you are?

I just pay attention to people. I think the biggest thing I can do is make people understand that I'm no different than anybody else. There is this general idea that all gay men think about is sex, sex, sex. That is not true! We are not attracted to every single guy who comes our way. We are no different than anybody else. In general, I think most people have a hard time accepting me (or anyone who is gay) because they have preconceived notions. If they would just take time to ask questions and listen, most people would be surprised by how normal we are.

What is the best approach when we suspect or know someone is gay? Should we ignore that side of them? Should we ask -- or does that make us incredibly rude? Sometimes it feels uncomfortable to ignore the elephant on the table, and sometimes it feels uncomfortable NOT to ignore it. How do we best just get rid of it?

Just take the cues from the person and treat them like you would any other person. If they're comfortable enough with themselves, generally it will come up in conversation--but in incredibly normal ways. You might overhear a guy talking about his boyfriend, or a woman talking about her girlfriend. Take it in stride. Get to know the person for who they are, not who they are attracted to. And usually, at least in my experience, they will help you. I know I try to. I will always answer any question put forth to me about who and what I am because I'd rather people ask questions as opposed to making assumptions. I don't recommend opening a conversation with, "So, I think you're gay. Am I right?" Just talk to people and LISTEN! Listening is so important when you're talking to someone new. More than once, people have heard what they wanted to hear because they really weren't listening to me at all.

If you could say anything to the world about being gay, and have them really listen, what would it be?

I am not different from you. I'm attracted to men. Big deal. I still need to breathe the same air, I still need to sleep, eat, drink, do everything that normal, straight people need to do. Just because I have sex with the same sex doesn't make me strange or abnormal. Take me for who I am. I do that for you. You like to have sex with the opposite sex. Do I judge you for that? Hell no! We are who we are, and the more people can accept that fact, the better the world will be.

We've come a long way over the ten years since I've come out, but there is still room for growth. Would I change anything that has happened over these last ten years? Absolutely not, because there would be no guarantee that I would be where I am now, and I'm happy with where I am now. And I'm happy with me. And I'm happy with you. Has it always been easy? Nope, but I can bet everyone has had some sort of trouble along their path, and we are no different in the end.