Crack Whore

Crack Whore is part of a series of paintings that portray how close-mindedness, or black and white thinking, can influence both individuals and society.

This latest piece reflects how some folks must bust through boundaries or out of prisons placed around them by society, family, etc.--sometimes through unsavory or desperate methods--to emerge in a better place.

Crack Whore
24 x 30 Acrylic on Canvas

To view more of my art, go here.

NOTE TO ... Newsweek Magazine

I admit it. I’m downright queer.

So thanks for including Alan Cummings' short, it's-about-time piece on gay icons in your April 13th edition. Mr. Cummings' article, Judy, Barbra, Liza—And Little Edie: How the 'Grey' ladies, and their ilk, became the gays’ ladies, is amazingly aligned with the underlying message of Aberration Nation. His concluding statement hit the proverbial nail on the head:

“I would like to replace the word gay with queer when talking in broad terms about our collective experience. Queer isn’t just about same-sex wedding tackle. Queer is about sensibility. You don’t have to be gay to be queer. Indeed, some of the queerest people I know are straight. My mum is a bit queer. Obama is definitely queer. Little Edie Beale was very queer. I think if more people embraced their queerness, we’d all be the better for it.”

Based on his plea that we all embrace our queer identities, I’d like to officially define queer within the context of Aberration Nation as “having physical, mental, and/or situational aberrations.” Mr. Cummings noted that the original gay icons are "people who, like gay men of a certain age, have faced adversity, and who, like them, have had to fight to become the person they want to be." This inherent struggle and compassion for others is exactly why Aberration Nation includes aberration stories focused on gay men. It's also exactly why I chose to include a gay primary character in my novel, Aberrations, which is set in the late 1980's in the deep South. Angel, the protagonist of Aberrations, has narcolepsy. Based on negative experiences with those who fail to understand her plight, she has retreated into herself as a coping mechanism. The gay character, Tim, (who would now be of "a certain age") emerges as the one person in her life capable of identifying with her struggle and calling her out of the unique closet she has created for herself. By Mr. Cummings' standards, Angel could be a quintessential gay literary icon, and Tim her adoring fan.

In creating Angel and her surrounding characters, I intended to embody the emotions and inner conflicts we all share regardless of our particular aberration. Aberration Nation was created to broaden the concept that the underlying human emotions we experience are often quite similar despite what our story is, and therefore we're all capable of true compassion. I hope my readers, as well as yours, can see that when you strip away sex, political party, race, education, culture, and whatever else seems to define us these days, we are all an amazing animal called human.



I’m naming Alan Cummings as my first honorary member of the Aberration Nation. He'll join the everyday heroes who have graciously and bravely shared their aberrations with the hope that folks out there will finally understand that we're all brothers and sisters of the same huge family.

After all, we’re all queer ... some have simply worked harder on the closets they choose to stay in.

To learn more about Aberrations, go here.

Up Next: Living with Chronic Pain: An Aberration Story

NOTE TO ... Endtime Magazine

Let me start by saying, I believe in God. After years of Bible Belt submersion, my most shining moments of intense belief occurred sitting in molecular genetics class during my senior year of college. How could these mind-blowing, multi-layered intricacies of nature happen by accident? The absolutely astonishing secrets of the human body illuminated for me the idea that somehow there was purpose and planning. Contrasted with the simplistic message of Christianity I was taught as a child, it sometimes seems that God is placating us, boiling down his complexity into a simplistic message that the least intelligent Earthling can fathom.

If you knew the amount of good versus evil rhetoric that flew through my childhood household amidst an ever-crumbling marriage, frequent suicidal ideation, screaming, despair, and several highly creative people packed in a space too small to hold them, you'd understand why I don't so easily accept passionate pleas and emotional interpretations laced with words soaked through and through with alarming religious and political connotations.

My mother has been a devout fundamentalist Christian for as long as I can recall. She's been reading Endtime Magazine and listening to your program, Politics & Religion for almost a decade now. When she first began listening, your leader, Irvin Baxter, broadcast his show from Illinois. By the time my mother became a widow, Mr. Baxter had moved his operations right into her hometown, Dallas, Texas. She now attends Mr. Baxter's weekly bible study in person and even went with him and his other paid companions to Israel a couple of years ago--a dream come true trip she couldn't afford to take. Trouble is, Mr. Baxter constantly proclaims an end of the world message. As a result, 99% of every conversation I've had with my mother over the last five or so years has somehow come round to her favorite topic--the end of the world as we know it and the second coming of Christ.

Recently my mother asked me once again to read Endtime Magazine so that I would be prepared and have the understanding necessary to survive on God's side in the coming years. I've taken a quick look at the magazine in years past, but this time I decided to read it cover to cover and properly evaluate what has become my mother's primary focus. Now, while I don't currently have every Bible verse memorized, I was raised in a super duper highly fundamentalist environment smack at the center of the blazing Bible Belt. I have a fairly good understanding of Bible basics and Christian doctrine. So I set out to assess the Endtime Magazine out of genuine love and concern for my mother.

Here are my conclusions:

1) Not counting the plea to subscribe in the footer of each page (something not often seen in traditional magazines), nearly every other page of the 25-30 page magazine advertises a product developed by Endtime Ministries such as videos, CDs, Bible study materials, speaker appearances and tours, subscriptions, books, etc. And these products are not cheap!

2) The magazine includes sections called Letters & Feedback, and World Review. In Letters & Feedback, all responses are used as an avenue for continuing the message that we are in the end times. Except for Bible verse references, none of the responses are supported by sources. The responses are also used as a way to point out Endtime Ministry products that can further clarify the responses. In the World Review section, world news is shared under various categories such as 6th Trumpet, EU Watch, Mark of the Beast, Antichrist, and World Government. The news is presented in brief paragraphs that clearly appear to be out of context. No sources are provided.

3) Every article is chock full of words and phrases such as imminent destruction, bloodshed, World War III, rivers of blood, and suffering. Opinions and personal interpretations weave through the writings of Mr. Baxter like a tornado ripping through facts. Everything gets jumbled up into an overpowering whirlwind tugging at the emotional core of those unable to assess true journalistic integrity. Like innocent youngsters in love, they are swept away.

The thing is, my mother is a wonderful Christian woman who is alone in a big city with only her faithful dog and a few busy friends. I've tried to tell her that even if the world is soon ending according to God's plan, we cannot alter that plan. But she is never satisfied with my actions, words, or deeds. This is a woman who told me once that Gandhi, Mother Theresa, and the Pope are likely not passing through the pearly gates. How much more can I do to make it onto her list? Just the other day, in the midst of our never ending end-of-the-world conversation, she shared with me that her newest prayer is for my husband and I to lose everything we have so that we might find God (according to her and Mr. Baxter's definition, of course). I said, "Thanks for that Mom," and was sad for several days. The God I believe in would not wish a mother to say such a prayer for her child. But apparently, this prayer comes by way of the God supported by Endtime Magazine.

If you are sincere in your beliefs and would like to spread what you believe to be critical political and religious information across the globe, why not do it using real journalistic integrity rather then taking the swept away strategy? Why not do it without every other sentence being an advertisement for your products? My mother lives on a tight fixed income like many of our nations' senior citizens. Must she send her money to you instead of using it to provide for herself? She is in need, yet she wants to help you, Mr. Baxter. But I am the one who must listen to her tired and worried voice when she talks about bills that must be paid and the car she can't afford to fix. I bet you have a nice enough car. My mother just needs one that works so she can drive herself over to your Bible study.

Trust me, I've heard it all. Every single fundamentalist come back for just about every intelligent question or doubt posed by the human race. There is nothing you can say that hasn't been said to me. I've lived in your world. Now I live in my own, and believe it or not, there is still room for God. Sure, I'm slowly dealing with all my personal issues around organized religion and hypocrisy. Some of the most religious people by your fine standards have caused the most damage in my life, and I'm tired of their excuses. I'm tired of their promises that God can ease any pain I may be feeling and rescue me from a life of sin. I have rescued myself, time and time again, and I have done it with the strength, intelligence, tenacity, and downright wicked gumption that God himself zapped into my DNA through those miraculous molecular genetic processes he created.

If only my mother could fathom those intricacies, she might consider that there is likely no way on God's green-depleted Earth that anyone is going to figure out his plan, much less Mr. Baxter. That's where faith, peace, and thankfulness for what we have come in. Like an ant on a log, I'm doing the best I can, gladly carrying a load much too large for one heart to bear. I have faith that when my log is blown to bits, I'll be at peace knowing I did my absolute best. Apparently my best doesn't meet the standards of my mother and Endtime Magazine, but somehow I trust that God is smart enough to get it.

Amen.

Lessons in Relativity from the State of Autism: An Aberration Story

It's not a perfect world, but we are luckier than most.

I assume we'd all like to be happy 100% of the time. When I was younger, I was unhappy most of the time. I finally decided that a string of pain would always run through me--it was simply my nature to be a bit dissatisfied. Ironically, this realization boosted my happiness level. I began to take more pleasure in the positives in the mix rather than maintaining an intense focus on that never ending, unshakable sadness. I learned that happiness is relative.

If you've been reading my blog for awhile, you know that my dissatisfaction lingers. I try to keep it in check but at times it peaks out overtaking me, my accomplishments, my marriage, etc. creating complex knots that I work to untie and reorganize like colorful ribbons into nice, neat bows. It's not always easy. Somehow I've managed to use those dark moments to better illuminate the brighter ones, like stepping out of a cave into a startlingly beautiful sunny day.

Thinking about all this reminds me of the movie Flowers for Algernon starring Matthew Modine. In a nutshell, it's about a happy, mentally challenged man whose intelligence begins to sharpen by way of a scientific experiment. As his mind sharpens, he experiences the deeper beauty of life he couldn't fathom in his previous state. Oh how wonderful! But as he continues to grow smarter and smarter, he becomes disturbed, dissatisfied, bitter, and fearful. All because he begins to understand how life can suck, and that the world isn't always fair and just and right. Eventually, he begins to regress, and becomes desperate to undo what is happening to him but fails. He once again becomes that simple, happy guy, and we are left to ponder which is a better state.

Flowers for Algernon fills the viewer with numerous questions related to happiness, satisfaction, and awareness. Knowing all that we know and having all that we have, how can we possibly be happy? Well, we can take a lesson from another Matthew, a guy who faces social and neurological challenges everyday. Matthew Shumaker is the focus of his mother's book, A Regular Guy: Growing up with Autism.

Laura Shumaker is a great mom! She has raised a son, who by the standards of all the neurotypical folks out there, ought to be hanging his head in sadness lamenting all the ills that life has dumped in his path. Yet he moves toward happiness, rather than away from it, in his own profound way. Although he longs to be a regular guy, he doesn't view his life as a constant struggle. He's proud of what he does and what he knows. He and his mother are an inspiration and a gift to those of us tempted to sit around focusing on what we don't have and what we can't do.

Your book, A Regular Guy: Growing Up with Autism, covers many years. Can you begin by telling us how you first became aware that Matthew was autistic?

We began to suspect something was up with Matthew when he was about two years old. His language development slowed and he became echolalic, meaning he would repeat words we said to him rather than being conversational. At the same time, he developed some odd behaviors. He lined up his toys, and was fascinated with water going down drains and with wheels. When he was three, Santa asked him what he wanted for Christmas and he said, "A drain." Santa said, "A Train? I might be able to get you a train!"

About the same time we noticed his strange language and behaviors, Matthew's neurotypical brother Andy was born. As we watched Andy develop, Matthew's delayed development became glaring.

What was your first reaction to finding out about Matthew's autism, and how did you cope?

I was determined to fix him! So many doctors and psychologists used the term delay so I thought, Well, I'll just help him catch up. Acceptance was a long way away. When Matthew was about ten, I really hit the wall and found a great therapist who helped me get the help I needed such as respite care and mentors for Matthew so that I could enjoy my other two sons and get a rest. My parents and other family members were incredibly supportive and helped me keep my sense of humor.

As Matthew was growing up, what were the toughest hurdles for him? How were you able to help him through these?

As quirky and socially awkward as Matthew was growing up, he CRAVED friendship and it was nearly impossible to help him learn how to find and keep friends. That's when I started hiring friends--helpers and mentors (usually college guys) who could hang out with him and do guy things. Matthew learned a lot from these terrific helpers. But he still needs a lot of social skills training! One of our biggest problems has always been explosive public meltdowns, which picked up steam as Matthew entered adolescence. He's been taking medication that helps him manage his frustration and outbursts--a God send. These days, there are medications that help the lives of autistic individuals with pretty favorable side effect profiles.

Your book shares some of the painful circumstances that Matthew found himself in. It's tough for any parent to watch their child suffer, whether it's emotional or physical. How did you get through these situations, and what did you learn? What did Matthew learn?

I learned patience! And I learned that when I was struggling and feeling embarrassed and humiliated by Matthew's behavior, people were willing to help if they understood what I was dealing with. For example, one time Matthew saw an elderly woman fall down and he ran to her side and started to laugh. Onlookers looked at me like I was a horrible mother until they saw how mortified I was. "I am so sorry," I said, "My son is autistic." I ended up getting more sympathy than the poor woman who took a tumble!

I also learned that those who weren't so nice had their own reasons. Everyone has a story. As my father used to tell me, "Maybe his wife left him today," or "Maybe her dog bit her today." Matthew continues to learn that there are consequences for his behavior. One of his problems is that he (still) thinks he can bother or tease (or even hit) people, and that when they get angry he can just say he's sorry and everything will be forgotten. Unfortunately, that's not how the world works.

Every child is unique and lovable. What are some of the unique things about Matthew that you love?

Matthew has a great sense of humor and the most wonderful, gurgle-filled laugh. He is a tireless worker and will work in the garden from dawn to dusk without complaint. He enjoys helping his friends who are more disabled than him. He loves his family. The thing I love most about Matthew is his face breaking smile when someone is kind to him.

As he was growing up, what were some of the things you did to help Matthew learn, grow, and become the young man he is today?

When I found something that Matthew enjoyed doing (painting, yard work, cooking), I used those activities as rewards and made the most of them for teaching moments. I made sure everyone who cared for him at school and at home did the same. Matthew loved the consistency and learned that he was valued for his talents and abilities. Now he considers himself a landscaping specialist and is very proud of that. I'm sure that will be his livelihood.

Every parent wants their children to be happy and healthy. When faced with a diagnosis such as autism, can parents believe that their child can still live a happy and healthy life?

I'll never forget the day Matthew was interviewed by a social worker. She needed proof that he was disabled enough to receive social security benefits. She said, "I have a cousin who struggles the way you do." Matthew looked shocked. "How do I struggle?" he asked.

Happiness is relative, and it's a challenge to help a person with a communication disorder find it, but it is possible!

I'm guessing that as a child and young adult, you never imagined you would have someone like Matthew in your life. Now that you have raised him, would you trade the experience for something the world deems as 'better?" What has parenting Matthew brought to your personal life? What does it continue to bring?

Having a son like Matthew is a gift, not just for me, but for our whole family. We are so much more tolerant of others--whether they are disabled or not! We appreciate our own good health, and have all developed patience and humor in all areas of life.

At the same time, having a child with autism is a strain. My husband and I are still together (so many couples break under the weight of the years of stress), and joke that we'd have a hard time explaining Matthew on Match.com. It has been stressful for my sons, Andy and John, and while we have planned for the future, I'm sure they worry. It's not a perfect world, but we are luckier than most. We have a great circle of family, friends and helpers who support us.

In your opinion, what is the number one misconception about autism?

The NUMBER ONE misconception is that people with autism are ALL in their own world--that they are all the same. NOT true. Many crave relationships/friendships and just have a very difficult time forming them. Matthew has been telling me lately that he wants to live with a woman and get married (in that order!)

What are the top three things you would like to say to parents who are just discovering that they have an autistic child?

The top three things:

1) EARLY INTERVENTION! Outcomes can be so much better if parents get an early diagnosis and start treatment

2) Don't forget the siblings. Make sure you give them the attention--one on one--that they deserve. I used to leave Matthew with a helper or with my husband and take my sons John and Andy for fun outings--sometimes together, sometimes just one on one. It was wonderful.

3) If you are feeling depressed or are simply getting sick a lot from the stress--get help. See your doctor and get the name of a good psychotherapist. Some people like group therapy. I found one on one psychotherapy more helpful.

AND MOST OF ALL-keep your sense of humor.

Watch the book trailer for A Regular Guy: Growing Up with Autism:

Seven Purple Hearts: An Aberration Story

I learned to depend on others, but I also learned independence--and the importance of both.

To hell with redundancy, I'll say it again.

Aberration Nation is not about world peace, going green, or gay pride. It's not about healing all the ills that exist in our growing culture of materialism and instant gratification. It's about individual self-reflection and optimism. It's making lemonade out of lemons and smiling through our tears, knowing tears are part of package, and that tomorrow is a new day filled with opportunity and greater wisdom.

We've already established that sometimes life sucks. It's unfair. This week alone we're faced with more economic stress, a savage earthquake in Italy, and reports of multiple senseless murders. And in our personal lives, we can't get what we want. We fail. We crawl. We cry. So what are we going to do about it? First, let's all define our own personal tragedy. In other words, let's ask ourselves what the heck is going on in our own lives to illicit such misery? Take a good hard look. Is it really worth all the tears and bellyache? As a brilliant college friend of mine used to say, "Maybe...maybe not."

Sometimes when hit with one of life's crappy blows, I allow myself to wallow in full scale self pity for one day. In many ways, it feels so good to feel so bad. I get to think about all the sucky things life has thrown my way, and all the people who done me wrong. I get to selfishly focus on all my flaws, and consider where they came from. I detox my problem sinuses with tears, and think about how much I hate my allergies, osteoarthritis, and headaches. The sad truth is that some people function like this day after day after day. I did for awhile--years ago--so I know how self defeating it can be. It's a painful journey on the road to nowhere, and when you're on it, it seems like nobody truly wants to come along, pull you off, or point you in the right direction. The only place it got me was a two-day stay in the Intensive Care Unit.

The road to nowhere never ends for some folks. If anyone had a right to take that sad sack road, it was David Christian. I heard Dave interviewed on the Michael Smerconish Radio Show one frigid morning on my drive to the Philly airport. As he spoke, I was completely humbled. I strongly considered that my self-pity didn't even deserve one measly periodic pity-party day to enjoy itself. I contacted Dave that very night to ask if he would like to join the Aberration Nation.

Welcome aboard Dave!

So who is this guy who so effortlessly pulled the self-pity party option right out from under my feet? Dave Christian was the most decorated and youngest American officer in the Vietnam War. He enlisted in the United States Army at age 17. Rapidly promoted through the enlisted ranks to Sergeant, he was admitted to Officer Candidate School and commissioned at 18. Following Officer Candidate school he completed Jump School and Green Beret training. He was promoted to Captain at age 20. Dave's service in Vietnam ended January 13, 1969 when he was severely burned by napalm. He was medically retired from the Army at age 21. For his actions during the Vietnam war Dave was awarded: The Distinguished Service Cross, Two Silver Stars, Bronze Star, Seven Purple Hearts, and Two Vietnamese Crosses of Gallantry among other medals.

Dave says that participating in any war changes a person for the duration of their life. However, as with any life sucking situation, a choice is made. No one ever said it was an easy choice. As a young man, David Christian courageously chose a road going somewhere, and embraced his painful experiences to forge a life filled with positives. He refused to let those seven purple hearts implode his own. He found a way to incorporate them--and all they stood for--into himself, and his heart is seven times larger for it today. On my morning commute to the Philly airport, I just had to believe that if he could do it, so could I. Dave's words here are brief, but when you know the story behind them, they pack a heroic punch.

You were awarded seven Purple Hearts for your service during the Vietnam War. First, can you briefly define what the Purple Heart signifies, and how you ended up with seven?

The Purple Heart is a unique award created by General George Washington during the Revolutionary War in Newburg, New York. It started as a Purple Ribbon of Merit. During WW I, it was reestablished by the US Congress and Department of Defense to be given for Combat Injuries. In reality the Purple Heart is one of the most unique Awards in the United States. An individual is eligible by an enemy inflicting bodily harm on an American Military Warrior. To earn one or multiple Purple Hearts you must be injured by different enemy weapons or enemy deeds at different times.

When you returned from the war, you were quite young. How long was your recovery and how did you cope?

My physical recovery is a lifetime. You are a Veteran 24/7 and you carry your wounds for life.

Were there specific individuals who made a positive difference in your recovery and attitude, or did your own resolve get you through? Some people have a tremendous amount of help but they still can't seem to pull themselves up when life has knocked them down. Do you believe circumstance plays a role in how we cope in such situations, or does it ultimately hinge on our inner spirit and determination?

My wife and daughter were important. The men in my outfit from Vietnam, "Christian's Butchers" were also a positive factor. In serious disabling injuries like burns, I think people, places, and things all have an impact on one's inner spirit and determination.

Did your experiences in Vietnam play a role in creating the path you took once recovered? If so, can you explain?

Experience in any war will have an impact on one's life for their entire life. Hopefully, they will gain the wisdom to understand that war is always the last resort in resolutions of issues and conflicts.

Now that so many years have passed and your life story has played out a bit more, do you feel that those painful moments in Vietnam ultimately held positives in terms of the man you became and the life you have now?

Absolutely. I learned to depend on others, but I also learned independence--and the importance of both.

Most of us can't imagine being in war, particularly those of us who are part of more recent generations. We watch war movies and the History Channel. We read about the events in the Middle East, but for most of us, it's not as close to home as in years past. Perhaps this is one of the reasons we often take our freedom for granted. As someone who has fought for freedom and stood next to those who would try to take it, what can say to us about America and the many things we enjoy?

Even if a particular day, week or year doesn't go so well, we're still free. From your perspective, how valuable is that? First we must understand that war is not romantic. It's traumatic. America has never given out a Romantic Stress Award for war. However, America does recognize traumatic and emotional injuries. To coin an old phrase war is hell. I believe in the flag, the Constitution, and the men and women in uniform. True warriors want to prevent world 'bullies/terrorist." They are protecting America, their neighborhoods, their families, their churches and their friends. In war an individual realizes that our freedoms had to be inspired by a higher power, and many soldiers recognize that there must be a God behind the men that crafted and fought for America's freedoms.

As someone who has fought for personal freedom--which is about individual choice--what would you say to those who feel victimized in life. In other words, folks we hear constantly saying, "He did this to me, and she did that," and "I can't get a job because they ... blah, blah, blah."

The world is made up of many different people. You will always have the victims. The victims may be removed from the experiences by geography or time but you will always have victims (both real and wannabes).

If you could say one thing to Americans, and have them truly listen, what would that be?

Love and respect yourself, and therefore you can understand respect and love of country.

And I'll just add--it's tough to truly love and respect yourself when you're drunk on tears at the pity party.

To read about David's accomplishments and current activities, go here.