Following the Carrot: My Writing Life

... I'm nothing at all without the writing. Without truth, my truth, the only truth I know, it's all a gambol in the pasture without rhythm or sense. It's empty. God gave it to me (so help me, Deist or no, I believe that!) and I can't cheat myself or you or them or anyone by not doing it the best way I know how. --Harlan Ellison

I had a dream last night that my skin kept peeling, literally ripping apart. No matter how many times they stitched it up, it kept splitting. It didn't hurt, yet I knew that without something cohesive to hold it together, I couldn't survive. Writing is a bit like that for me. Things keep splitting, bursting out, and without an avenue to hold it all together, to make it mean something concrete, it overwhelms me. That's when I feel most lost. So I keep writing, year after year, agent after agent, rejection after rejection, assuming there's a purpose, a plan, and that there will be an ultimate outcome.

There are times when I want to rip my skin to shreds and dance through life unfettered by rules, pressure, publishers, and readers. I wish I didn't care about those things, but I do. Some people write because they simply enjoy it. They don't care if anyone reads it, how it sounds, what it means. That's not me. I've always been one to set goals and drive toward them like a donkey after a carrot. Sometimes it's torturous. I'm trying to squelch an insatiable hunger.

I think a lot about where that hunger comes from. Am I like an actor who longs for applause night after night? Am I emotionally wounded and therefore need constant reassurance? Am I vain? Or do I just have an unending need to find myself, and the only place I seem to truly be is embedded in a series of words splashed across my computer? Whatever it is, it's been there for a long time. It was there before I realized my life was flawed, or that I was anything more than a little girl with giant pigtails.

I meet, read, and hear about tons of writers who have all sorts of reasons for writing. I wonder if they feel like I do. When I see all the books at the bookstore, I wonder, and it makes me sad that life is filled with hoops we must jump through to be heard. There are so many of us, each with so much to say. So how do a few rise above the crowd and get the attention needed to make it to The New York Times Bestseller List? Did they run faster after their carrot? Did someone hand them a carrot? Or did they compromise and ditch their glowing carrot for sloppy seconds (the market)?

I sit here today in an orange shirt--of all things--wondering if I should eventually give up? I'm 43 years old. If 40 is the new 20, maybe I have a few more years ... This week I met a writer, Sandra Carey Cody, who began writing at 50. Avalon has published three of her novels. I also read an article about James Michener, who wrote his first novel at 40. Cougar Town and Courtney Cox are hip. And to top it off, I just heard that Phyllis Whitney (who died in 2008), wrote her last book, Amethyst Dreams, at age 92, and began writing an autobiography at age 102. Wow!

So here I am with another finished novel in my hands ... staring at the carrot.

This is my creative journey ( with babies and degrees mixed in) from 1988 through today (21 years):

Graduated from college
Had a baby and got married
Moved to the Northeast
Started Pharmaceutical career
After reflecting on the Deep South and my childhood, began writing first novel, Boundaries
After ~ 5 years, finished Boundaries
Signed with first literary agent
Hit Manager-level in Pharma
First literary agent passed away unexpectedly
Began second novel, Aberrations
Had another baby
Wrote Six Sigma for Business Excellence for McGraw-Hill
Hit Director-level in Pharma
Finished Master's Degree
After ~ 8 years, finished Aberrations
Continued to edit Boundaries
Signed with second literary agent
Second literary agent decided to go into entertainment law
Self-published Aberrations
Aberrations picked up by Greenleaf Book Group and re-launched
Continued to edit Boundaries
Signed with Planned TV Arts (A-list Publicity Firm)
Took step back from Pharma career to focus on writing
Launched blog, Aberration Nation
Began painting
Signed with third literary agent
Began writing third novel, Centerpieces
Awarded honorary degree in publishing by third literary agent
After ~1 year, finished Centerpieces
After ~2 years of painting, my work included in major EU exhibit
Began research for fourth novel, Dust
Waiting ....

In this economy, trying to sell an unknown author is like selling ice to Eskimos. My husband says that in time the ice will melt, and I'll be ready. It would be foolish to give up now.

I had another skin dream a couple of years ago. In that one, my skin was too large, dripping and dragging around me. I pulled and tugged it around, expending all my energy just to get from point a to point b. I was nothing more than a blob of flesh. During the dream, I grew inside, slowly filling the bag that had so painfully trapped me. Eventually my shape took form, and I ran.
Phyllis Whitney said, “Never mind the rejections, the discouragement, the voices of ridicule (there can be those too). Work and wait and learn, and that train will come by. If you give up, you’ll never have a chance to climb aboard.”

... or taste that elusive carrot.





To read more about my writing life, also see:

Author Karen Harrington Interviews Penelope
Bookish Ruth Interviews Penelope
DeAnna Cameron: The Business of Books with Novelist Penelope Przekop

Sleepy Stu's Bite Size Life: An Aberration Story

What happened to me sucked and it hurts like hell to think about.

I didn't want to get out of bed this morning in the worst kind of way; however, once I forced myself up, life kicked in with all its amazing challenges and possibilities. Brewing coffee and chirping birds called as the morning sun filtered into my life. My eyelids grew less heavy as my forty-something joints loosened. I was rarin' to go.

Well, what if life just kicked instead of kicking in? What if the birds, coffee, and sun had absolutely no role in my sleep cycle? What if I never fully woke up? What if, over time, my perspective of wakefulness and dreaming blended until my memories were lost in a haze of uncertainty? And what if the person I loved most thought I was lazy, irresponsible, or mentally ill? Have you ever wondered what it might be like for those who scratch and claw just to get a bite size portion of what most of us simply call being awake?

I've just described a plausible case of narcolepsy, the plight of a Person With Narcolepsy (PWN). I've met quite a few PWNs since writing Aberrations. They are some of the most caring, understanding, and unselfish folks I've ever met. They make up a loving aberration nation all their own. In fact, they are folks who inspired me to create this blog.

As I researched narcolepsy and wrote Aberrations, I realized more than ever how the unique hardships, afflictions, and senseless painful episodes in our lives bring out similar emotions in us all. Many of the people I've met with narcolepsy have an amazing ability to accept and identify with anyone who has ever been stuck inside a home, place, or situation where they were mistreated, abused, discriminated against, or held back. (Interestingly, the topic of my latest painting.)

My guest today, Stu, is a highly creative PWN. He's a great advocate for narcolepsy, and has created a new online community, Bite Size Life, specifically for PWNs and those who support them. His goal is to foster greater understanding and compassion while also providing a unique chat environment for PWNs. In Stu's own words, Bite Size Life is for people who "get it." He's mining his aberration and finding amazing things, including creative advantages and ideas. Stu may live a bite size life but he's finding his own way to make it BIG.

You have narcolepsy. When were you diagnosed and how has it generally changed your life?

I was diagnosed about five years ago. When I was first diagnosed I went through a stage that I would later find common among narcoleptics, which is, “Well, now I have to deal with this, and I can expect to live with this nemesis that will slowly chip away at my core.”

Fact is just because a guy in a white coat handed me a piece of paper that says I have narcolepsy doesn’t change anything at all! The diagnosis was actually a blessing because from that point on I knew who (or what) the nemesis was.

Part of my life started after I got diagnosed, and I’ve heard a lot of similar testimonies.

You are a highly creative guy. Can you tell us about some of the things you're into?

My first love will always be music. I’m convinced I would have found a gun to swallow had I not had music. I had a sixth grade social studies teacher who taught me how to play, and without knowing it, I’m sure he saved my life. He’s still a very dear friend to me, and I owe him big time. When I tell him this he always graciously says “Well, Stu…Pay it forward.”

Along with the music came songwriting. During a part of my life when I was mis-diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, I started to find words coming from the top of my head that were narrating my situation. They always came with a melody. I eventually started writing them down.

Some people think I’m joking about this, but I am seriously working on…"Narcolepsy: The Musical”. After being so serious about the condition, part of me feels compelled to create something entertaining that’s not so “woe is me” to explain the condition. We live in an age when everyone hurts about something, so it becomes white noise.

Does narcolepsy somehow contribute to your creativity, your desire to create, or your energy around it? If so, can you explain?

Yes, it does. Shortly after my Dad passed away I had a hypnogogic hallucination about my Mom and the house she was living in. A lot of that experience was me expressing anger that I wasn’t being heard and yelling at my Mom about the outcome. I wrote a song “Little Monster.” Most of the lyrics are what I was yelling at her.

I don’t feel the same way now but I can’t change the lyrics. They are what I felt at the time. Now the lyrics humble me because every time I play it I remind myself that in acting like a spoiled brat, I was being a little monster.

Artist tend to write what they know and experience. The experiences narcoleptics go through on a daily basis is a muse that can either destroy us or strengthen us.

You seem like a highly positive person. Were you always this way?

I think I’ve always come across as the happy guy, but even now I’m known to stuff down some pretty dark stuff.

Some narcoleptics feel a sense of relief from sharing a testimony. I don’t. What happened to me sucked and it hurts like hell to think about. It hurts to even talk about. I don’t care how it may help others, I can’t do it. It literally screws with my health. I’m okay with bits and pieces when I‘m talking to other narcoleptics as a reference to whom I can relate. However, I’m a better listener when I don't have to relive my own excruciating moments.

I’m not alone on this either. Many of us can’t relive the past because it already beat us up once. With Bite Size Life, I’m hoping we can realize and share these commonalities without trying to one up each other with dueling crappy pasts.

My novel, Aberrations, includes an underlying message that whether we're healthy or not, life is worth embracing. No matter who we are, life isn't perfect so let's not let the negatives bring us down. Can you relate to this?

I think so but my approach is a glass is half full view. For me, I’ve found the positives bring us up, so chase them (opposed to not letting the negatives bringing us down). They may sound the same, but I’ve found them to be VERY different. Something clicked in my head when I started to think this way.

I was moved by the book The Secret and I started using some of its philosophies. Some of its ideas are completely useless. I don’t think the universe serves as our sugar-daddy to give us whatever we ask for. I think constantly thinking about (and being thankful for) what we want brings us to what we want on a molecular level.

The core idea changed my outlook. When I replaced my worry about what might crush me with thoughts about what I wanted in a future that hasn’t yet been written--life changed for me big time.

I have no doubt that what we think about, we bring about.

You do quite a bit of advocacy work for narcolepsy. How did this start and where has it led?

It started before I was diagnosed. When I was fried out of my brain on anti-psychotics, so many doctors warned me that a sudden change would/could leave me in horrible shape. I finally realized that not much worse could happen. The idea of someone else experiencing this sparked something within me, even before I knew what the name of my enemy was.

Now I’m working on an online community for narcoleptics and the people around them who have been messed over by narcolepsy. I don’t have a forum, and quite possibly never will. I’ve been running Bite Size Life for almost two years now. It started as my personal blog, but while being exposed to more narcoleptics, it became obvious to me that narcoleptics benefit from blogging. Besides the planned chats, we offer free blogs to narcoleptics with sleep disorders.

You've recently parted ways with the Narcolepsy Network, after several years of being their web guru. What's next for you?

I need to get in touch with people on a human level again. I want to help on a level that I can see the faces of people. I hate talking on the phone because the human element of seeing someone’s face seems like a void at times.

There were some rumors that I starting a sort of rival forum. I get a laugh about how organizations think there’s a competition to help others online, as if they are fighting for the eyeball time of people that are looking for help. I've already created a good forum. I don’t have the energy to top what I've already achieved. It couldn’t be done without the help of the moderators any way. They are an amazing group who will always be in my prayers.

I know for myself, the challenge isn’t to top what was already done, but to offer support to PWNs in a new and meaningful way.

Many people still misunderstand narcolepsy. What are the top three facts about it that people should know?

I personally got sick of the usual clichés…life doesn’t end with a diagnosis…we all have our cards life deals us…after awhile these all sound like the adults in the Charlie Brown specials “blahblahwhawhawhablah”

"For the love of God, tell me what no one else will!"

* People with M.D. tagged to the end of their name can do more damage than good, and too many of them know squat about the condition.

* The people in your life that “don’t get it” may never change. Quite often it’s the people closest to us.

* You can’t base your future on your past. You’ve already seen your past. Your future is a book of blank pages. It's waiting for you to write your own story.

Do you have a life motto, and if so, what is it and why?

He who fights with monsters might take care lest he thereby become a monster. And if you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you. -Friedrich Nietzsche

Nietzsche nailed it. If we’re not careful we can turn into the very enemy we hate. We learn how to hurt by those who hurt us, and true personal growth only happens when we figure out how better off these weapons are left alone.

_______________________________________

Related Aberration Nation Posts:

Sleeping with Deuce Bigalow
Living with Narcolepsy: An Aberration Story

Stuck Inside

Stuck Inside is the latest edition to a series of paintings that portray how close-mindedness, or black and white thinking, can influence both individuals and society.

Stuck Inside is for anyone who has ever felt stuck inside a home, place, or life where they were mistreated, judged, discriminated against, or held back.

To view more of my art, go here.

Stuck Inside
18 x 24 Acrylic on Canvas

Daddy Dangerous: An Aberration Story

What he did and didn't do in his role for me as my father was HIS SHAME....not mine.

Have you ever wondered what draws you to a particular person? Sometimes we find out and sometimes we don't. Well, my guest today is someone I gravitated toward at 18 or 19 years old. If you've read my Teen Aberration Stories Series (see sidebar for links), you know that this was an emotionally volatile time in my past.

Today's guest, Renese, was five or so years older; however, due to a detour into the Navy, she was one of my college classmates. We were friends for several years but then eventually parted ways when we both finished college. For some reason, Renese made me feel understood. She made me feel okay. Although we were close and had great fun together; we never got deep. I was not about getting deep with anyone at that time in my life. I didn't know how to jump outside myself. I didn't know what to share and what to hold back. Perhaps she felt that way, too.

I recently reconnected with Renese on Facebook!

I had a vague memory that her childhood had been difficult, but didn't know the whole story. Back then, at times when folks tossed me an emotional bone, I ran, afraid that if I came to know or understand them, I'd have to explain myself in return. So now, almost 25 years later, Renese finally shared her story with me. I cried when I read her words; all those years ago, in my selfishness and fear, I missed an opportunity to connect with her on a deeper level. But I know now why I was drawn to her. She was special because in her, I saw myself--even when I didn't know who I was. She served as a sort of role model for where I might be in five years. Just like all friends, we had our ups and downs. But she was there when I was a college senior, single and pregnant. She didn't judge. She only smiled and knew what having the baby meant to me. She "got it" when few others did.

Due to the individual emotional growth patterns we each have, we can't always fully connect with those who pass through our lives at the precise moment when they enter the stage. It's easy to imagine that our connections are superficial even when there may be something deeper at play. Can we all strive to cherish those around us just a tad more? Because even when we don't understand each other, we are there together ... and that counts for a lot.

You grew up in an abusive environment. Can you explain the specifics and what it was like for you?

My father was extremely abusive, both physically and emotionally. Although he rarely beat me, he did so on a regular basis with my mother and sister who was 14 months younger than me. Growing up, I was fairly intelligent, above average in school and above average in looks. My sister had dyslexia (didn't know it at the time) and struggled in school. She also struggled with her weight, and had to wear braces and glasses. Although she outgrew all of these challenges and is now quite successful in sales, my entire childhood was a comparison between my sister and myself. My father once beat me so badly that he actually stopped at one point and pondered out loud as to the pros and cons of 1) continuing until he killed me and collected on the $1,500 life insurance policy he had on me or 2) stopping and possibly having to pay a large medical bill.

What was the dynamic between your mother and father, and how did your mother cope?

My father ruled with an iron fist. I basically saw my mother as a doormat. My father did and said anything he wished to her or to us, and she was either much too obedient or much to fearful to say or do anything in retaliation. As far as I could tell and/or remember, she made every effort to create as normal as normal a life as possible for my sister and I. I remember that she had to hide anything that she bought us for Christmas because he would be so mad about the money she spent to do so. She was usually beaten some time shortly after the opening of the presents, and we all knew it was coming.

How did you cope with the abuse as a child and teenager?

My parents split when I was 15 and my sister was 14, so most of what I coped with was as a child. I lived in fear almost constantly. There was never any rhyme or reason to what it might be that would "set my father off". It was impossible to know what I could do to please him so that I could do more of that, any more than it was possible to know what it was that would upset him in order to avoid doing that.

I later learned the term "rage-aholic" and came to understand that this described him quite well. I guess I coped by being around him as little as possible. I was lucky to have good friends with loving parental homes in my neighborhood where I could escape and spend as much time as possible.

You joined the Navy as a teenager. Was this decision influenced by what was going on at home, and was it a good decision?

I was working for a chiropractor at the time and he told me about how he joined the Navy and they helped him to pay for college. I literally left his office and went to a recruiting station and signed up. I never really saw it as the "big, important, grown-up" decision that everyone else did. I just saw it as the only option available to get what I wanted. I hated boot camp, but the remainder of the time I spent serving my country were some of the best years of my life.

After being in the Navy, you went on to get a great education. As a young adult, were you still feeling the impact of your abusive home life? If so, how did this impact your decisions and actions as a young adult?

I've been asked this a lot over the years. I've thought about it a lot as I've grown through the various stages of my life. To answer best, allow me to digress to one particular experience that occurred just before my parents separated.

I was a virgin when I was raped by a close personal friend of my father's. I was 15 at the time. I told absolutely NO ONE at the time that it happened; not even my mother. My father's every day rage was such that I had very little doubt that he would have murdered the man who raped me, and that he would have returned to the caged life he had experienced in his early 20's.

There was nothing altruistic about that decision. I just didn't want to live with the guilt of taking any part in that. I treated the rape as I did the rest of my abusive childhood: it was OVER! It was the PAST. The man who raped me most likely gave it very little thought after wards. If I had allowed that one physical act of violence to get into my head and continue to have an effect on my psycho-social-sexual life afterward, I would have given him more power than he deserved. I felt the same about my father and what he had done throughout my childhood. What he did and didn't do in his role for me as my father was HIS SHAME....not mine. I couldn't and wouldn't go through the rest of my life letting the past affect me negatively. Whether bad or good, my life experiences were going to have a positive effect on my life--or no effect at all.

Recognizing that some negative things we experience as children never quite leave us, how were you able to embrace these "aberrations" and learn from them?

Yes, bad things happen, but they are only mistakes or aberrations if we don't learn from them and take something we can use from that experience in order to move forward and live positively from that point onward. Things for which we have no control happen. Sometimes they result in bad experiences. We even make mistakes that cause bad things to happen. We can either accept that these things have happened, and figure out a way to move forward, or we can resist, struggle, and cause ourselves to be stuck in more pain and confusion.

In many ways, we all look back and wish things had been perfect; however, sometimes when I meet a person who claims to have had a perfect or normal childhood, it seems they are missing a dimension that I have. Sometimes I don't want that dimension, but other times, I cherish it. Do you identify with this, and can you share your thoughts about it?

I think that perfect and normal are both, like most subjective insights, in the eye of the beholder. I think some people delude themselves into believing their childhoods were perfect or normal because they refuse to face something too painful or uncomfortable with which to deal. I wasn't locked in a closet and denied food while my prostitute mother pimped herself out in the next room, and then pimped me out when I became old enough. I also didn't live in the Brady Bunch house. It's all relative and I believe it's what you do with it and how you deal with it as you become and adult that makes you who you are. You decide how you're going to take charge of and live your own life.

Sure, there are those extremes in psychopathology where things were so bad that the child had to form alternate personalities in order to escape the abuse. There are also lesser cases where the abuse results in other forms of social or psychological behavioral difficulties. I still believe that, for the most part, we need to look back on the bad things that happen only to the degree with which we want to use that information and experience to grow and better ourselves.

I've always believed in the garbage in...garbage out axiom. We need to spend as much time as possible focusing our minds and bodies on things that feed us positive emotions, spiritually and physically.

No one is a perfect parent, but we try. How has your past impacted your parenting skills? Has being a parent given you a new perspective on some of the things that went on in your childhood?

My father was an ass; I've tried very hard not to be one. I basically grew up with my mother because we were only 17 years apart in age. We partied together a LOT when my sister and were teenagers after my mom and dad split up. It was GREAT while it was going on, but I feel like I missed out on that kinder, gentler mother-daughter bond.

I was almost 30 when I had my one and only child, a daughter that just turned 18. We had a wonderful bond, very loving and close (even though I left her father when she was 4 months old and was a single mom until she was 9). Unfortunately, she hit puberty at the age of 7. Doctors have said that it was the assault of all those hormones on such a young person not quite ready for them, that caused some problems. Although she always says, "I love you, too" when I tell her I love her, she tells me that the last time she can remember feeling any love for me was when she was about 5 or 6 years old.

I remarried a wonderful man when she was 9 and he's been the only father she's ever known. He has been the best step-dad in the world (many biological fathers could take lessons from him). She accepts our love and the things we do for her as things she has her right and privilege and walks around us as if we were furniture. I honestly cannot remember the last time that she hugged my husband or told him she loved him. The perspective that I have on my childhood compared to my parenting is that I learned from my childhood what I didn't want for my child and made supreme efforts that she never saw or heard any kind of abuse EVER from anyone in her home. She recently told me in counseling that this is where I made my mistake; I had a bad childhood and because of that I overcompensated by showing her TOO MUCH love. I'm still not really sure how I'm supposed to take that. I do feel as if, when she finally has a child of her own and truly learns what that kind of unconditional love feels like, she'll at last understand how I've felt about her all these years. I also feel as if, because of some of the things that she's said and done to me, she'll feel very guilty about it all at that time and it will all come rushing at her in a flood of emotion. It is my sincere wish that she comes to that realization well before then so as to somewhat mitigate any of that guilt.

What are the top three things we can do for a child or teen who may be in an abusive situation?

Listen. Just talking about a bad situation at home can sometimes be cathartic and helpful to the person suffering the abuse. I'm also a big believer in prayer and prayerful meditation. Helping that person to learn coping techniques that quiet the mind can be healing and helpful. When there's absolutely no doubt that the situation is true and harmful, report it to the appropriate authorities and get that child out of the situation.

Do you have a motto for life, and if so, what is it?

Yes, I do have a motto for life and it took me a long time to learn it. It's Let go and let God. I'd heard it for a long time and never really understood just how powerful it could be.

I'd spent a great deal of my life pushing and struggling to get things done my way. It kind of goes along with the old if it don't fit, don't force it axiom. I still get really type A sometimes and try to force something to happen that I'm just certain will be perfect for me; but I've learned over the years. Even though I still need to put in some effort for the basics--the best things in life are those that just happen when I'm not even looking for them!

New Art Site

I found I could say things with color and shapes
that I couldn't say any other way--
things I had no words for.
Georgia O'Keefe

I'd like to invite everyone to visit my new art website. No more scrolling to view my work! I will continue to add additional content; however, the basics are in place. Hope you'll pop over and check it out. If you take a look at the Events page, you'll see a picture of my piece, Banded and Broken in a Complex World, at the Human Rights exhibit in Caserta, Italy. The exhibit runs through October 11, 2009.

Thanks for your continued support!

The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society plus The Belly Dancer: A Two for One Book Review

Hop over to Book Lust to check out my latest book review. It's a two for one!



Coming soon, more aberration stories. Check out the sidebar to see what's on the way.

The World's Religions: A Book Review

“Comforts of togetherness should not lead to structures that will restrict the dynamic character of God’s continuing revelation.” Huston Smith

I recently accepted an invitation to be a joint book reviewer for Book Lust. This morning I posted my first book review, The World's Religions by Huston Smith. I invite everyone to hop over to Book Lust and check it out.

Each time I post a review to Book Lust, I'll also post the link here. In addition, all my book reviews will be listed in the sidebar under Book Reviews. Please feel free to leave feedback here or on Book Lust.

Balancing Act

Balancing Act is part of a series of paintings that portray how close-mindedness, or black and white thinking, can influence both individuals and society.

My latest piece reflects the ongoing struggle to balance the best and worst parts of ourselves. It's an odd sort of self portrait, and a tribute to Vincent van Gogh. I recently finished writing a novel in which Van Gogh and his brother, Theo, are central characters. Elements of this piece reflect Van Gogh's, Oleanders.

Balancing Act: A Self Portrait
Acrylic on 18 x 24 canvas

To view more of my art, go here.

From Pain to Prophetess: An Aberration Story

It was simply God.

I've been feeling a bit down lately. I'm not so sure I like how my mural is turning out, the publishing industry seems to be moving at a snail's pace, and my mother still isn't talking to me.Of course I've seen worse calamities, but there are just some days and/or weeks when that sinking feeling just won't go away. Sometimes it grabs me by the throat even when nothing seems to be sinking; everything appears to be fine.

So what is it? Psychology, guilt, the residual pain of childhood, missing my mom, boredom, selfishness, hormones? Who knows, but when it hits, the most important thing I do is to get busy coaching myself out of it. I think about all the things I have to be thankful for (there's a lot!). I look at the beauty around me (again, a lot!). I smile because Dad always told me that if you put a smile on your face, you'll eventually feel like smiling (it works!). I make a "to do" list. I write. I paint. I read.

And more recently -- I think about Aberration Nation and all the heroes who have shared their stories here.

See, I don't just write this blog for you, I write it for me. It's great therapy, especially when the sink sets in. For many years, probably through my early twenties, that stinky sink greeted me every morning, almost without fail. But as an adult, I've managed to keep it at bay, only allowing it to stay for a few weeks at a time. Sometimes I pretend it's not there until it fades away in much the same way it crept in. I've come to accept it as part of who I am and have tried to take from it what I can in terms of positives: compassion, empathy, experiencing a wider range of emotion, creative insight, my body telling me to either slow down or get busy, etc. I am who I am, and I've learned to channel and twist a tremendous amount of negative emotion toward positive ends--but it's not always easy.

So today the sink is my visitor, and together we will welcome Prophetess Lori McKenney to Aberration Nation. If anyone has a reason for a sinking feeling, it's her. Yet Lori marches on, ministering to others because she understands their pain and suffering. (Her beautiful smile alone lifts my spirit!) She knows exactly where the sink in life comes from, and her life mission is to help lift others out so they can know the type of metamorphosis she has experienced. Sadly, many of us need a total overhaul. Other simply need an every-once-in-a-while-mini transformation, because even after a metamorphosis, we're still only human.

In her book, Transformation, Lori explains the four stages a caterpillar must achieve before it transforms into a beautiful butterfly. In correlation, she imparts how the human heart and mind is connected in the complete metamorphosis process we can all experience.

You have said that your childhood wasn't normal. Can you tell us a little bit about what it was like in your Hampton, Virginia home?

Most children don't come home and see their family members shooting at each other. I grew up in Hampton, Virginia in a city that has gone through many changes. Hampton is a nice place but I was exposed to some bad things growing up there. When I think back on those difficult times, I realize that many generational curses hovered over my family. Due to lack of discernment, these curses eventually became strongholds. My family was in great need of Jesus Christ.

Throughout the years, I noticed that my parents had different goals. My mother was raised very different from my father. My father was a concrete finisher. I watched him day after day work hard to provide for the family. When he came home from work, he cooked dinner for me and my two brothers. I don't remember too much family time such as playing games, running through the house, having pillow fights, or outside events with my parents.

The memories of my mother are very little because she only lived a short time; I will explain later. Her background consisted of partying, getting drunk, and a lot of sexual immorality. I remember her always being at my grandmother’s house where there was a lot of prostitution and bootleg activity. There were also many people around--many of whom I would see one day and then the next some evil metamorphosis caused their lives to be shortened, even to the point of death. There was often a lot fighting in my family. Sometimes they would literally shoot at each other.

For all these reasons, my childhood wasn't normal. There were times I had to put a dresser in front of the door to get some rest because of the strange men who were always in and out of my grandmother’s house. I was never raped--thank you, Jesus.

God knew he was about to change the pattern of my life. A complete metamorphosis was going to take place.

How did your home environment shape your teenage and young adult years? Were you able to overcome what you'd been through at that point?

No, it caused me to run away from home. I was very angry with my father because he eventually killed my mother. It led me to marry a man who abused me physically and mentally. I was eventually able to overcome this by forgiving my father.

You eventually found Jesus Christ, and experienced a complete metamorphosis. Can you explain what happened and how your life changed?

When I excepted Jesus Christ into my heart, I began to see God transform my life. God changed my heart and mindset. I begin to have a different view about what my life would be.

The concept of metamorphosis is central now to your ministry. How did you come to start your ministry? Was it something you had always wanted to do or did it evolve as well?

Transformation is central to my ministry now because the process I had to go through to get to this level was painful but it ultimately worked out for my good.

Many people learn from hardship and overcome the negative experiences in their lives in various ways. For you, was it primarily your religion that enabled you to overcome, or or where there any other contributing factors?

It was simply God.

Although you suffered as a child, you now have so much to give to others. Do you believe that the suffering you experienced was part of God's overall plan for your life? Many people wonder why God would have us suffer at all. What are your thoughts on this?

Yes, I believe God allowed this process to happen so that he could eventually get the glory. My years of rejection, negative thoughts, depression, suicidal thoughts, hate, and bitterness has enabled me to minister to all types of people.

My Christian upbringing taught me that God loves all people, and that we should first worry about ourselves before judging others. Why do so many Christians seem to spend a lot of time judging others? In your view, is that how they should be spending their time? Doesn't God just want us to be happy? How can we be happy if we're so wrapped up in telling everyone how to live their lives based on our religious doctrine? I believe love is the underlying message that so often gets lost in the shuffle.

God loves people. I don't believe He wants us to judge others. He wants us to be open and allow people to come to us to get Godly wise so He can give them a successful life.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11 (New International Version)