Miscarriage: An Aberration Story

... we can not take a child's life for granted.

Norman Lear said, "To sit around and puzzle, 'What is my destiny?' is to go slowly insane." I don't know why we're all here but I do know that we're blessed--blessed to experience the gift of life. Even when life sucks, it's all good because it's happening. Ask anyone who's lost a loved one. Ask someone who's dying.

Like George Bailey (It's a Wonderful Life) maybe you think your life generally stinks. Maybe at times you feel under-appreciated, that you've lost opportunities, that you've not touched enough lives in a positive way. I'll admit that I feel that way sometimes, especially the older I get. I see time running out. I look back and think of all the things I could and should have done, all the people I've hurt, and all the ignorant mistakes I've made. I wish I could have a do-over. Sometimes I grieve over all that and wonder why I'm here at all.

But then I remember the incredible odds I beat just to show up in this crazy world. A cool site called, All About Life's Challenges says miscarriage statistics can be dramatic. Miscarriage reportedly occurs in 20 percent of all pregnancies. However, according to some sources, this may be an inaccurate number. Many women, before realizing a life has begun forming within them, may miscarry without knowing it-assuming their miscarriage is merely a heavier period. Therefore, the miscarriage rate may be closer to 40 or 50 percent. Of the number of women who miscarry, 20 percent will suffer recurring miscarriages.

Perhaps due to these statistics, it seems that our society has become immune to the grief and trauma that can be associated with miscarriage. But if you sit back and think about not only the women who suffer through them, but also the odds of any of us actually getting our feet on the ground, it's sobering. We can't always stop nature but we can certainly better appreciate our own gift of life.

This is how Diana has come to view the lives of her three children, as well as her own. Despite the painful journey she and her husband navigated through to build their family, she continues to count her blessings everyday. Like George Bailey, she appreciates what Clarence meant when he said, "Strange, isn't it? Each man's life touches so many other lives. When he isn't around he leaves an awful hole, doesn't he?"

After all, our destiny lies in a million little things. Norman Lear also said, "Ninety-nine and 44/100 percent of everybody are not devising the new surgical procedure, are not designing the car, are not becoming Senator or President or going to the moon. The rest of them must be involved in understanding that success is a collection of their minutes, the totality of their lives. It is no good even if one does become the doctor, devises the operation, if the minutes that preceded it were miserable. There's a candidate for a high window and a big fall."

Diana's story will remind you to be thankful for simply having the chance to show up and hang your hat. The rest is icing on the cake.

You have three beautiful daughters; however, you also have a couple of difficult pregnancies that resulted in miscarriage. Can you tell us what happened?

After trying for not such a long time, I found myself pregnant with my first child. It was great because one of my dear friends was also pregnant with her first, and we were due within a couple of weeks apart. I was working at an insurance company and there were a number of other women pregnant at the same time. I was roughly 28 or 29 years old at the time. Unfortunately, at that time, my father was having chest pains, and was diagnosed with blockage in his arteries. He needed to have a multiple bypass operation and at that time, I was around five months pregnant. So, on Valentine's Day, 1998, he was scheduled for his operation. Ironic that his heart would be repaired on Valentine's Day.

My husband wanted me to relax and go out with our other couple friends for dinner. Of course, how could I concentrate when I wasn't sure my Daddy would survive the surgery? I remember my mother and sister telling me to go to dinner. It would be our last Valentine's Day without kids. I reluctantly went. Long story, short, my father is also a church pastor. So, I returned the next day to find that my Dad was allowed to have well over 40 visitors the day after his surgery! I was extremely upset, and expressed that sentiment to every hospital worker who would listen. He recovered from surgery with flying colors, but my extreme concern remained.

I remember going to work one day, not long after, and a colleague asked me if I felt that new feeling in my belly, fluttering. I told her no, but thought nothing of it. But, I do remember her facial expression. One of those expressions that says something's not right, but she wasn't about to be the bearer of that news. Is still thought nothing of it. I was having my first ultrasound in less than a week. Fast-forward to my ultrasound. I laid down, gel was put on my belly, the technician began. I had the look of anticipation. I couldn't wait to hear the details. She said, "I'll be right back." I asked if everything was OK. She just said she needed to talk to the doctor. The doctor appeared, and I will never, ever forget what he looks like. He came straight to me, introduced himself, and said, "We're getting an abnormal result from your ultrasound. If you have any questions, your doctor will be hear to answer your questions." And he turned around and walked out of the room, while I screamed, "What's wrong with my baby?!??!". No answer.

A doctor in my OB/GYN's practice appeared to say that my baby was not alive, and had probably been dead for a few days. I had to come back the next day to deliver the baby. I asked to be put under total anesthesia, which of course, they wouldn't do, so they just heavily sedated me after inducing me at five and a half months. The sedation wore off, and then, to my horror, I delivered my baby alone in a hospital room while screaming bloody murder. I will never ever forget every detail of that day.

I can't image losing a pregnancy. Can you share with us what type of emotional and physical toll the loses took on you?

More sadly than anything, as I am a born-again Christian, I was so angry at God. I stopped going to Church and stopped accepting phone calls to "pray with me". My OB/GYN advised me to take my eight weeks of maternity leave from Church, and I did. I was a total wreck, and I didn't think I would ever recover. I moved out of my husband and my home, and moved back in with my parents. My husband and I really were not speaking much. I am not sure if I was in clinical depression, but I sure felt like it. I couldn't function properly, and I couldn't even stand the sound of babies crying.

How did you cope? After the first issue, was it difficult to have faith in the subsequent pregnancy?

After much prayer, the kind that I initially rejected, I was able to get back to being myself. I was back to work and church. Within three months, I was pregnant again. I was told that my first baby had medical issues and would not have had a productive life had she survived. My husband and I chose not to see the baby at all. To this day, I have no idea what she looked like. I suppose I will see her in heaven some day. Unfortunately, I loss that baby too. And yes, after that, it was nearly impossible to function normally while pregnant. During each subsequent pregnancy, I had anxiety issues. Although I ended up with three beautiful daughters, I had two more miscarriages, bringing the total to four losses.

This happens to quite a lot of women, and sometimes people tend to brush it off as a "frequent" experience. Did you get this reaction from anyone and if so, how did that make you feel?

Yes, I don't think people know what to say. Sometimes, they should say nothing, and just, "I'm thinking about you" or "You are in my prayers". Instead, I heard a lot of, "At least you can get pregnant". "God was weeding out the abnormal babies." "Christians should have faith it will be OK." You also heard the "That's terrible, but listen what happened to someone I know". Of course there were countless women who said that oh, this happens so frequently, as if your occurrence is not unique or noteworthy.

When you lost your babies, what was the most comforting thing people said to you or did for you?

I really was hard-pressed to find any comforting words outside of the nurses in the maternity ward at the hospital. So many of them had similar occurrences, and they were the most amazing angels during my difficult times. Additionally, my current OB/GYN, who is now one of my dearest friends, treated me like a sister during my losses, and stood by my side for all my traumas. I will never, ever be able to thank her for the love she showed towards me. To this day, I am not allowed to call her by her credentials, but must address her by her first name. No matter how angry I was, or how hurt I was, I found comfort in "I will pray for you" (I just didn't necessarily want them to pray with me).

How did the loss affect your husband? Every relationship is different but did this bring you closer together or was if difficult to connect over it? Did he fully understand?

What I learned about miscarriages and men was key. My husband blamed me, because of the attention that I was paying to my father's health. I don't think I will ever forget that, even if I have gotten past it. The other thing I learned was this: everyone asked me how I was doing, and would ask him how I was doing. No one asked him how he was making out. That was hurtful to him, and once I found out, I was sorrowful that I had not paid more attention to him. I was so self-focused because it was my body and my experience. My husband had also told me that he would not have adopted, so I would have hoped that he would have changed his mind, because there are so many other children who do not know the joys of having a loving parent.

Do you still think about the children that could have been? Do you think it's normal for women to remember and still think about it years later, or do you think it should be easier to put it out of mind as you build your family?

Every July 28th, I think of the child I lost. I won't ever forget. In comparison, speaking only for myself, that loss was far more traumatic than the other three losses that occurred when I was I was anywhere from 8-12 weeks pregnant. I will never put the experience out of my mind because I believe so wholeheartedly that God helped me become a much stronger woman. I have so much more faith in God knowing that He watched over me when I was too upset to watch over myself, and that His plan is not necessarily my plan, but it's still the perfect plan.

Do you think there are misconceptions about how women feel after losing a baby? If so, can you explain?

There should be no misconceptions about how women feel after losing a baby because each woman is different. Going through what I went through was difficult for me, but I would NEVER say, "I know how you feel because that happened to me". I always say, "I can understand some of the things you are saying because my experience was similar." It was hell what I went through, but then I can't imagine what I would do if I had been 9 months pregnant or if the child died after birth. I kept trying to get pregnant because I knew I wanted at least one child and then wanted her to have a sibling; that was my choice. I know others who never tried again, and that's understandable, too. Again, I would suggest people talking to a counselor to find the right things to say to a couple who experiences this. I would also suggest people going to a grief counselor if they find that they can not get past this experience.

There are all kinds of tragic experiences in life. We all must face them. Many times we can take something positive away from it. Did you learn anything as a person, wife, or mother from having had unsuccessful pregnancies?

I learned that we can not take a child's life for granted. It is so precious. I am so blessed to have family/friends who care, and good health care to get me through the medical care I needed. I also learned that God puts people in your path for whatever reason, and those relationships should be treasured as well.

A Silver Lining

"Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved."
--Helen Keller

At a time when struggling, losing jobs, and dipping into savings seems the new norm, many individuals are managing to find silver linings amidst dark times.

For a little inspiration from the suburbs of Philadelphia (including my story), pop over to phillyburbs.com.

A Picture Thought ...

“Never say there is nothing beautiful in the world anymore. There is always something to make you wonder in the shape of a tree, the trembling of a leaf.” -- Albert Schweitzer

Truth: My Latest Work

I just completed the 84 x 36 inch acrylic work shown below. The piece took approximately 150 hours over four weeks, and lots of canvas and glue to complete. More pics will be posted to my art site within a day or two. You'll also find additional commentary on the work there.

If you haven't yet, please check out my new column on The Art Virgin, which runs weekly on The New York Optimist. The column running November 14th - 19th addresses my work on this particular piece. (Note: the column mentions that I started work on this piece last week. This is due to a delay in the column's publication.)

Not sure what I'll tackle next but I'm sure it will be interesting ...

Aberrations: The Novel

If there is a specific moment in which the relationship between parent and child changes, in which it crosses from love due to admiration to love born of pity, it was that moment in which we floated. I feared the thing he’d tell me next. I was beginning to understand that perhaps there were secrets I didn’t want to know.

- Excerpt from Aberrations

With the holiday season on the way, I'd like remind everyone to consider either adding Aberrations to your gift or giving list.

Aberrations is the novel that inspired Aberration Nation.

Small Press Bookwatch says Aberrations is ... deftly written ... very edgy ... engaging ... insightful ... and fascinating! 5 Stars!

Aberrations is a novel filled with gorgeous imagery, quirky characters and deep storytelling. It will stay with you long after you turn the final page! Melissa Walker, Journalist and Acclaimed YA Author

"A marvelous and unique coming of age story, Penelope Przekop's Aberrations is the story of Angel Duet as she discovers who she is and how she can find the missing pieces of herself. It is a book about discovering who you are to yourself, and not what others want you to be, about accepting all the bits that make you who you are and about finding unconditional love, even if it isn't necessarily where you thought it would come from." 5 Stars! - from my bookshelf...

Detroit Metro Times says, "Never was a title so apt in correlation to a novel's theme than Penelope Przekop's debut Aberrations ... heavy stuff ..."

A book blogger top 10 of 2008!

Recognized in PRINT Magazine's Regional Design Annual 2009 issue for outstanding cover art.

To read an Aberrations synopsis, go here.

To purchase Aberrations on Amazon, go here.

Body Loathing: An Aberration Story

Beauty is a socially-constructed phenomenon.

I hate to say it but ... I think about my body a lot. I try not to focus on it too much but it's like a screeching monkey on my back. The relationship between me and my 5 foot 9 inch body has seen many stages. It's basically been a love-hate relationship.

Sound familiar?

My closet is filled with clothes spanning four sizes. I never weigh myself anymore; I simply evaluate the situation based on which size fits at the moment. I try to eat healthy, and usually stick to that. However, occasionally I get fixated on a particular food and can't stop eating it. Lately it's been Jalapeno Doritos. I don't like to cook, partially because I've always known that if I cook, I'll eat more. I've always seen food as a sort of enemy. Why would I create or give life, more power, to my enemy?

When I was about eighteen, I took diet pills and starved myself until my heart rate became so erratic that I had to see a heart specialist. I was embarrassed to tell the doctor that I was (essentially) overdosing on diet pills. He couldn't thoroughly evaluate the issue. What a mess! I was tall, thin as a rail, and working as a runway model. Was I happy?

Absolutely not.

So you see, body image is a topic that resonates with me. I'm guessing it's also important to you. I've written about Lizzie Miller, the normal young woman Glamour deemed beautiful, and have interviewed Marya Hornbacher about her intense struggle with eating disorders. Now meet Sarah Maria. Sarah is a body-image expert who helps people love their bodies no matter how they look. She shows people how to discover the beauty that is already inside of them, right now, in this moment.

Sarah's book, Love Your Body, Love Your Life, evolved from her 14 year struggle to find peace, happiness, and success by ‘controlling’ her body. She accepted that common, pervasive, and deadly poisonous cultural myth: If I am thin, then I am beautiful … I am worthwhile … I am successful, accomplished, and lovable. She made her self-worth, self-image, and all hope of ever being happy, entirely dependent on ‘external factors’ – primarily, trying to live up to an unrealistic, and ultimately unattainable, set of media-imposed standards for how she should look.

Unfortunately ... I can relate.

You have a passion for helping people accept themselves as they are. Why is this important to you?

I have a passion for helping people accept themselves as they are because I know what can happen when a person realizes that they are already perfect exactly as they are. Conversely, I know what happens when people do not accept themselves and instead live at war with their bodies and themselves. When people do not accept themselves, when they have conflict within themselves about themselves, there is pain and suffering. People live in a psychological prison, unable to create what they want, unable to move in the direction they want to go. On the other hand, when people learn to accept themselves, as they discover that they are already perfect, they can live with an unshakable peace and confidence. They can more easily and effortlessly create what they desire in life, whatever that may be. Accepting yourself totally and completely is the only sane way to live and yields benefits in every area of life. I know what is possible; I know the magic and beauty that is available to people, and it is my passion to help people break free and claim the life of their dreams.

You're obviously an intelligent woman. You graduated from high school early due to skipping grades and then received your first degree at 20 years old. Why is it that even the most intelligent women can't seem to accept that womanly worth should not be based on outward appearance? Can you explain why this happened to you?

This is a great question, and thank you for asking it. In my experience, “intelligence” is a somewhat vague term that often produces confusion. There are many different types of intelligence – academic intelligence, emotional intelligence, kinaesthetic intelligence, etc. There is often no correlation between the different types of intelligence. This is to say that someone might have an incredibly high IQ but little to no emotional intelligence. This is why you can always find brilliant people who do “stupid” things. In my case, academic intelligence did not help me avoid being brainwashed by predominant cultural beliefs about beauty. In fact, my academic intelligence might have aided in the brainwashing. My deepest desire was to be loved, approved of, successful, etc. Since I was academically gifted, I continued to excel in academics and receive approval, without addressing the core emotional and psychological issues that were motivating my behaviour. In my experience, human beings have underlying patterns that drive their behaviours throughout life. These psychological and emotional patterns dictate beliefs, attitudes, and behaviours much more than IQ level. This is why the most important form of intelligence is always self-knowledge. It is when you learn to look inside and discover yourself that you can free yourself from any negative patterns that are keeping you trapped and perpetuating your suffering.

What made you decide to write Love Your Body, Love Your Life? You have gone through your own struggles with body-loathing. What did you learn? And what tips can you share with others undergoing the same struggle?

I decided to write this book because I experienced first-hand the intense pain, suffering, and agony that can accompany Negative Body Obsession, eating disorders, and low self-esteem. I also know that freedom from this hell is completely possible. I want this book to reach people who are struggling with any and all of the above. I also wrote this book to help people think critically about concepts such as beauty, as well as the beliefs, thoughts, and ideas that so many people take for granted.

Beauty is a socially-constructed phenomenon. Different body types, different looks, different sizes are considered beautiful at different times in history. In the eighteenth and nineteenth centuries, curvy and voluptuous was considered stunning. In this culture in this century, thin and muscularly toned is considered sexy. When people recognize that there is no inherent truth in these concepts of beauty, that it is in fact a cultural preference that changes overtime, it helps to dissolve this illusion that how they look is somehow tied to their value and self-worth as an individual. For many people struggling with a negative body image, they believe that how they look is somehow indicative of, or related to, their self-worth as individuals. Nothing could be further from the truth.

When people realize that it is a cultural phenomenon, they can begin to free themselves from the whims and preferences of other people and the world around them, and instead discover and experience their own inherent and unique beauty.

In terms of tips, I would recommend the five steps that I outline in Love Your Body, Love Your Life.

First step: Set an intention to learn how to love your body. You might have no idea how to make this happen, simply set the intention to see your body and yourself as inherently perfect and lovable.

Step Two: Identify and Detach from Negative Thoughts. Become aware of what you are thinking and learn techniques for disconnecting from your negative body thoughts.

Step Three: Discover who You really Are. Discover the truth that you are already perfect, have always been, and will always be. Come to know that part of yourself that is beyond the thoughts you think and the sensations you experience.

Step Four: Befriend your Body. Most people have an adversarial relationship with their bodies. Your body is the very best friend you will ever have. Learn how to relate to your body as a friend instead of foe.

Step Five: Live Your Purpose. Everyone is here for purpose and on purpose. When you learn to live this purpose in every moment of your life, you will transform you life from one of pain and struggle to one of joy and energy.

Sometimes women who appear to "have it all" are miserable while other women seems comfortable with themselves and their lives. Why is that?

There are many reasons for this and it is impossible to make a blanket statement, since every person is unique. What I can say is that “external” signs of accomplishment or “having it all”, such as money, friends, family, health, “beauty”, can have absolutely no correlation to how people feel about themselves and their lives. Everyone has their own story, their own way patterns, their own way of relating the world. When you look at someone else, it can seem like they have everything, yet they are miserable. There simply is no correlation between what you as an observer thinks someone has and what in fact is going on inside their reality.

Body-loathing seems to be rampant, especially in young girls and women. Why is this happening? Is it all the fault of the media and fashion industry?

This is an important question and one that I talk about at length in the book, so I will be brief here. No, it is not all the fault of the media and fashion industry, although this certainly plays a role. The real reason, the underlying reason, is the delusional thought-pattern that says we are not good enough the way we are. Whether the belief is about your body size, your bank account, your lack of love, whatever it is, there is the underlying belief that we are somehow lacking something, that we are not quite good enough, that we would be better if and when we change something about ourselves. This whole thought process is what creates and perpetuates the problem. This belief system is what causes people to look at fashion magazines, models, etc. and then think that they somehow would be better, that they would be more beautiful if they looked that way instead of the way they look, if only they had that body instead of the body they have. This is utter nonsense. It is this fundamental belief and experience of not being good enough that creates the body-loathing and all manner of pain and suffering.

Someone recently pointed out to me that human bodies are like snowflakes. No two are the same; they are exquisitely unique. Why do we see the unique qualities of snowflakes as beautiful and the unique qualities of the human body as flaws? We've not decided there is a perfect snowflake and all others are flawed. This seems too basic, but is it because we must cover our bodies and therefore, we all need to fit into the same clothing sizes?

Great question! The reason we see the unique qualities of the human body as flaws is because of mental conditioning. The problem truly is with our eyes, not with our bodies. The body is inherently perfect. It is the human mind that creates the problems. I love your analogy of the snow flake. In Love Your Body, Love Your Life, I use the analogy of flowers. Can you imagine a rose looking at a tulip and lamenting its existence because it was not as beautiful as a tulip? This would be ludicrous, yet it is exactly what we do as human beings. We lament our perfection because we do not look like someone else. This is ridiculous and tragic.

Simply set right your idea of yourself. You were born perfect, whole, and complete, and you will remain that way forever. If you cannot see this, figure out what you need to do to heal your mind and purify your eyes so that you can see clearly.

What do you think of the recent Lizzie Miller body image craze? I wrote about Lizzie Miller on Aberration Nation before her photos became a big deal, so I'm happy Glamour paid attention to the eventual outcry. I hope we'll see lasting effects in the fashion industry, but am not sure that will happen. Your thoughts on this?

I think it is great that Glamour has been willing to have more inclusive photos. I know Glamour went on to have a photo shoot with a number of plus-size models. I also think it is great that women were so excited about seeing a different type of body in the magazine. However, there is still very much a bias to young. I think Lizzie Miller is in her early twenties, if I am recalling correctly, and the oldest model in their photo shoot was 35. I think developing an inclusive standard of beauty requires much more than what has been done. Yet this is a beginning and it certainly a step in the right direction. Ultimately it will require women to continue to speak out and support those magazines and companies that promote women’s natural beauty. If women will buy magazines with photos of real women, magazines will be much more willing to showcase them. Same is true for fashion, etc. There is a great deal of power in consumer opinion.

Now that you've written a book about body image and are helping others to accept themselves, do you still have days when doubts about your own body creep up? What do you say to yourself when that happens?

This is an interesting and important question. I would say that generally, no, I do not have doubts about my own body. I generally live with a sense of peace about my body and do not worry about it much either way. It is what it is and it is perfect as it is. That being said, occasionally I might notice what I call a Negative Body Thought. For example, when I go clothes shopping, an activity I truly dislike and always have, I might notice a negative body thought creep in as I stand in front of the mirror under fluorescent lights. If a negative body thought shows up in my mind, I simply disregard it and let it go. It has become a so much of a habit that I simply do not pay attention to it. I know the truth of the matter, and the thought does not have any influence over me. That being said, it took me a while to get to this place of effortlessness. When I first started, I needed to be much more pro-active in talking back to negative body thoughts and claiming my freedom. Now it is very habitual and I do not need to think about it. As soon as a negative body thought arises, I counter with another thought or simply disregard it and move on. So at first it can seem very difficult to find freedom from these thoughts, but with time it becomes habitual, just like riding a bike.

Do you have a personal life motto that you can share with us?

Most certainly. I have two mottos that are very much related and that guide my life constantly. They come from the great Indian sage Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj.

The first one is: “You are perfect, only you don’t know it. Learn to know yourself and you will discover wonders. All you need is already within you, only you must approach yourself with reverence and love. Self-condemnation and self-distrust are grievous errors…Make love of yourself perfect. Deny yourself nothing – give yourself infinity and eternity and discover that you do not need them; you are beyond.”

The other motto that I always hold in my heart is “You are love longing for the love-worthy, the perfectly lovable. Find it within and your search will be over.”

Midlife Wife: An Aberration Story

They say what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.

Here's a topic I (unfortunately) know a thing or two about: midlife. Why is it that we spend so much time urging our kids to make good choices, work hard and smart, study, be careful, etc.? Well, of course, it's because we know how quickly the years pass. There's only a short time to achieve success, to set the stage, and pick a road ... or so we were told. Instead maybe, just maybe, we should tell them to deal with their issues, go after their dreams, don't give up ... There are certain things that get lost in the shuffle after awhile. Maybe we should worn them about that.

Sure, it's never too late but life has a way of crowding around us, narrowing our opportunities, fresh starts, and do-overs. Some wake up one morning with the frightening thought that life is half over when just yesterday there were 15 candles on the cake. How did that happen?

It's one of those WTF moments. You realize the very life you worked so hard to create sucked you dry and left you empty. Wasn't all that supposed to fill up the 15-year-old who felt so barren, you ask? "Get a life!" they told you. Well you did that--and it filled you up so tightly that you somehow lost track of yourself. Time is ticking, destiny is calling, parents are aging, youth is fading.

It's a crisis. And maybe you haven't had an identity crisis in so long that the idea almost feels good. The heart pounds, the blood flows. There's a desperation that's so bad it feels marvelous. You're suddenly alive again, barren like a 15-year-old ... and you don't want to lose that. Not again. Problem is everything around you, all the old stuff, seems dead. You have an overwhelming urge to run, jump the train, fly away, and get the heck out of dodge. After all, isn't that what killed you?

Maybe not.

So what's the answer to this dilemma? Not sure I know but I do suspect it's different for each person. My guest today, Jeff, is trying to deal with a wife who looked into the WTF mirror to find a lot she didn't like after being married for over three decades. Jeff is a spouse-left-behind (SLB). He's still in the thick of it, but has bravely offered to share his experience. He believes that those going through midlife difficulties need each other. Sharing and expressing the pain and understanding that a spouse's behavior isn't necessarily about your failure helps. He's taking one day at a time, staying strong for his family. This is his story.

You're in the midst of dealing with your wife's mid-life crises. Can you tell us what is happening?

To make this part of the long story short, about two years ago my wife’s mother passed away after a year or so following a stroke. It was determined at the end of her physical and speech rehabilitation, and a year in an adult day program, that she was then suffering from the onset of Alzheimer’s disease. Once it was determined she could no longer live with us due to the daily care needed and for her own safety and protection, she was admitted into an adult residence facility which catered to a senior population for Alzheimer’s and other memory related issues. Less than two months after being admitted she passed away. My wife, an only daughter, was grieving the loss. In the months following, she and I tended to her funeral affairs and estate issues.

Later that year, my youngest daughter graduated high school and went off to college leaving us an empty nest. Additionally, about a month after my mother-in-law’s death, a younger, single friend of my wife had lost her father. My wife and her friend were often conversing and supporting each other as they had something very much in common. During the year post death, something seemed different about my wife. I attributed it to grieving as anticipated but it was more than that. She and her friend were conversing regularly, texting, instant messaging, emailing and this would go both early morning and after I had gone to bed as well as multiple times during the day. From some of the conversations I heard laughing and whispering which I thought was strange but nothing more.

After a while I approached my wife about the excessive conversation with this person. She stated that she had few friends and this one was close now due to the mutual losses they both experienced. She reinforced that they needed to connect with each other to cope. In my naiveté I believed her but became suspicious. I started noticing overages on the cell phone bill, extensive computer use, her minimizing the computer screen when I walked by, and basically a secretive type of behavior. Family members of mine noticed her behavior being different, co-workers wondered what was changing with her, she became distant to me and not interested in conversation, intimacy or spending free time together. This was very atypical of her as we had a great social relationship between us for most of our 30+ years of marriage.

How can you be sure that this is a mid-life crisis? Based on your research and years of working in the psychiatric health care arena, help us understand.

At first I didn’t know what to think. This “illness” does not have a formal psychiatric diagnosis. I started to research on the internet and described it to my older female relatives, their thinking it may be the onset of menopause. More research brought on more questions. I spoke to a family counselor, minister and family physician. I stumbled across some websites and forums that spoke of similar situations (www.PathPartners.com, www.divorcebusting.com). (Also see the list below.)

In my estimation, it started as midlife “transition” since it has much of what I had read on midlife sites. Death of a family member occurred, an empty nest situation came to fruition, my wife seemed confused and short tempered at times, she lost her pleasant personality and began to attack things I had done for her, things I hadn’t done, the length and quality of our marriage, being married too young (21?), my career path, my formal education, the house we bought, the cars we own, being unhappy for the longest time, re-writing our marriage history to describe my never being there for her, saying we have grown apart, blaming me for just about everything!

She added that she was confused, needed time to be alone and possibly away from me to work things out. She asked me to move out of our bedroom which I did for a couple weeks then realized I did nothing wrong and moved back again to her dismay. She was isolative, sleeping far over the other side of the (queen) bed, no physical interaction at all (including kissing or even touching, certainly no intimacy). After two weeks she decided to move out of the bedroom to a spare room I had been using. She made this smaller room her own, changing lighting, reorganizing furniture, keeping the bed very neat and orderly. Occasionally I would hear her speaking on the phone late night or early morning, laughing and joking. She was protective of my entering this room with her there or not, basically concerned with control issues even though it is also my house as well as hers. We never had issues like this before, very protective.

When the transition became a “crisis” was when I found definitive proof of an affair in what I had read on our family computer. My wife and her friend had planned driving trips together, weekends at a shore house, plans for seeing shows, movies and anticipating upcoming meeting times- I also found documentation of emotional sharing and intimate liaisons between the two which caught me wildly by surprise. During this time she had become obsessed with bills and expenses, wanted all credit cards to be divided, joint accounts split, to pay her own bills and take care of her own car maintenance, many of the tasks I performed since marriage. She started changing passwords for the computer and email as well as keeping her cellphone at hand. Once confronted with the proof from the computer my wife immediately denied it, then blamed me for intruding into her “personal” data that wasn’t supposed to be read by others.

Later she stated they were just friends, didn’t know how it happened but is over now. Two months later my wife moved out to her own apartment.

When your wife left you, how did you initially cope and how are you currently coping? Have your methods and attitudes changed?

It has been about three months now since she moved. Initially I was devastated but kept a straight face and stayed positive saying things like “you need to do this to feel better” when she left. It was my proactive way of letting her know I cared I guess. I was coping by speaking with my elder siblings and other family members, trying to stay as active as possible both around the house and in social events, trying to eat and sleep right. I continue to research it as that is just my nature. I try to take each day as it comes as many on the forums have suggested since my wife’s mood may change significantly on any given day. A frequent motto is that you can change yourself, you cannot change another. You must take care of yourself and your children (if applicable) since that is the only thing you can control. I am practicing detachment which is a method of keeping me away from the emotional feelings I have for her. Not that I don’t love her, just that I don’t want those feelings to consume me.

Most people who share their stories have struggled through their aberrations, and come out on the other side. I realize that you're still in the thick of it. What value have you found in sharing your emotions and thoughts with others, here and in other forums?

It is cathartic and can often get you through a bad time. Sometimes you need the help of others on the forum; other times you help them by your experiences. It is also good to get suggestions on what you might be doing right (or more often wrong) in dealing with your spouse.

You have several children. How are they dealing with the situation? Sometimes that is the worst aspect of marital issues. As parents, we can't bear to see our children suffer. What approach have you taken thus far, and is it helping?

Fortunately my “children” are all adult aged. This made it a little easier for them to “understand” and for my wife to tell them. She did not want them to be told but since they saw the bizarre behavior in their father (investigating the computer files and phone bills, wondering why she was always on the phone, checking out when she didn’t come home on time) I made it a point that they needed to know and were certainly old enough to handle it, if not understand it (which I continue to struggle with). I saw some pain in them but I think they see more in me as their lives are actively unfolding and maturing.

I'm certainly not an expert on it, but my understanding is that at mid-life we often get smacked in the head with unresolved issues from growing up. Sometimes people joke about mid-life crisis, but isn't it important to deal with unresolved issues? Maybe it's life's way of telling us that time is getting short--get down to business. What are your thoughts on this?

Absolutely- unresolved childhood issues come to the forefront (such as lack of independence, control, mental or physical abuse) but manifest as control issues against the spouse. Normal “life” gets in the way (careers, home purchase, pregnancy, child rearing) and postpones those issues until something jogs our brain and we start looking at the other half of life (downhill stretch) and possibly the endpoint comes into view. In my situation, my wife wanted to do many things that she believes (in an irrational way) I kept her from doing. Not only did I not prevent those things from happening, I encouraged them to be pursued. It was her reluctance to go after her “dreams” (but in truth, they may not have been a strong influence at the time).

What are the top three things that we can do when someone we know is faced with this aberration? Sometimes it's hard to know what to say. What do you wish, hope, or welcome from others?

1) Be supportive of the person’s need to vent without judgment- it is a devastating development, often brought on by surprise. The left-behind-spouse (LBS) doesn’t know where to turn or who to speak with.

2) Don’t start a campaign against the person in crisis so that the LBS feels comfortable and vindicated. You are speaking about their wife/husband who they have been living with and possibly raised a family, often for many years.

3) A multi-faceted reply- Obtain professional help in the form of individual counseling or medical help, take care of self and children, keep active in your church, community, work, do whatever makes you feel good about yourself.

We all want a happily ever after scenario but life doesn't always work that way. Do you think that changing our expectations about what happily ever after means helps us cope?

That is the intention and just one of many coping mechanisms but it is often easier said than done. Many joke about midlife crisis but I would question those who joke if they ever had to deal with it themselves. Some of my friends have described coming from broken homes. When they explain the situation, it is frequently due to a parent having a midlife crisis while they were young and they didn’t understand it but the family got through it. They say what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.

Today as you walk through this quagmire you didn't expect to find yourself in, are there any words of hope that you cling to? What keeps you getting up each morning to search for positives?

I look at life a little more positively now. I reflect on what enjoyment I have with my friends and family and life in general since my BFF (my wife) is very distant and for the most part, no longer in the picture. I seek support where I need it, try to stave off depression and expect to look for professional help if it gets too overwhelming. I realize I can only do so much and that I cannot change someone else’s behavior, just my own.

Here are some resources that Jeff found helpful:

http://midlifeclub.com/

http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/midlife-crisis.html

http://www.fortysixty.org

http://counsellingresource.com/distress/mood-disorders/understanding-depression/index.html

http://womensinfidelity.com/

Nudes & The Art Virgin

To check out my latest column (The Art Virgin) in The New York Optimist go here. You can also read my novel, Boundaries, which is being published in serial. If you'd like to follow along, best to start now.

Boundaries is the story of Peyton Bound, a young woman who becomes embroiled in a tight love triangle while struggling to break away from her mentally ill mother. It's a story close to my heart because, although it's fiction, it's based on my life as a young adult. I hope you'll check it out.

Also, I just added some of my art to a cool site called barebrush.com, which is dedicated to nudes. To see what I posted, go here. I'm now working on a nude piece that's 7 feet tall! Stay tuned ... it should be interesting ...

Coming up later today: Mid-Life Wife: An Aberration Story.