Parentless Parent: Allison Gilbert

The scarecrow could not understand why she wished to leave this beautiful country and go back to the gray place called Kansas. "That's because you have no brains," answered the girl. "No, matter how dreary and gray our homes are, people would rather live there than anywhere else.  There is no place like home."

L. Frank Baum

Almost all of my childhood memories before age nine are in black and white.  I think I've said that before. Why do I keep saying it?  Why do I keep drifting back to that gray, long ago place?  It's getting ridiculous.  I used to carry the shame of that overwhelming lack of color on my shoulders.  Now, at middle age, I'm beginning to feel the shame associated with still not being able to fill the hole it left me.

Most people don't understand the deep reaching impact of growing up with an emotionally disturbed parent, one who ensnares you with their sad brand of charm, makes you their caregiver, their lifeline when they have nothing else.  Most people can't imagine a five-year-old child somehow rising up to parent a parent, to provide an emotional load of assistance, and what the cost can be.  As the child rises up, they are left with a sinking hole, a blank spot that can never be filled because the time to fill it was that day, that year, that moment.  The moment was lost.

When I was twelve-years-old, my mother said that God told her that my daddy was going to die so that she could marry our pastor.  We were in our car going somewhere.  She told me this as if it were a casual FYI.  I asked her about the pastor's wife, and she replied that perhaps she would die as well.  That instant sticks in my mind as one of the single most devastating moments of my life.  It was the moment when I realized something was horribly wrong.  I remember staring out of the car window as I felt my heart break in a brand new way that only happens when you're finally old enough to grasp the notion that life is filled with complexity.

I somehow lost my mom that day.  Since then, I've lost her over and over again.  I keep trying to find her, to pull her back, to make her see me, to make her love me.  I keep wanting to find that gray place when we were both so young again because it was my home when everything was simple, when all I felt was my overwhelming, pure love for her.

It's just not working.  

Life is often ironic. A few days after I spoke with today's guest, Allison Gilbert, about her new book, Parentless Parents, I lost my mom ... perhaps for the last time. 

Once again, she is here but not here.

Allison has explored and written about the challenges of raising children when your own parents are missing from the puzzle; they are deceased.  I asked her about folks whose parents may still be alive, yet emotionally or physically out of reach. She recognized that there are similarities, but explained that Parentless Parents focuses on the singular situation of deceased parents.

Soon after I spoke with Allison, I happened to call my mother at a time when she was working to balance her monthly budget.  She spoke about her finances, and became more and more agitated.  Then she said, "Adult children who do not provide for their parents should be prosecuted under the law!"  As you can imagine, this was a loaded statement packed with years and years of struggle. In my heart, a five-year-old heard the words, "I need you to take care of me!"  I remained calm, knowing that if I became upset, she would become more upset.  Finally, I said, "I doubt that adult children could be prosecuted under the law, based on the fact that their parents have had years and years to make numerous adult decisions regarding their own financial well-being."  I was attempting to provide a logical answer that she might relate to.

It didn't work.

Within an hour, my husband and I received a abusive email informing me that I was no longer her daughter ... again.

So here I sit, a parentless parent in my own category.  Regardless of its primary focus, I need to read Allison's book.

You've worked in television news for nearly twenty years, and have won numerous awards, including three Emmys. I'm sure you did a lot of writing in that professional space. What inspired your focus on book-length projects?

It's really was a gift.  I felt that TV news provides an incredible opportunity to cover the most important news of the day, but no matter what, an article can only have a certain number of words, or television story only allows for a certain amount of time. So I felt that if I was going to use all the same skills, then I was going to use all those tools toward a project that I had much more opportunity to explore. I wanted to put those tools to use on a topic that meant so much to me personally.

You write nonfiction. Is that what you've always wanted to do, and if so, why? Will that continue to be your focus?

Yes!  I think so.  I really enjoy it!

I always enjoy asking writers who focus on nonfiction how creativity plays a role in their work. Do you view creativity as a component in your work? If so, how and why?

For sure!  Even though it's nonfiction and it's based on very real facts and interviews, I believe that how we pick and choose what to include and in what order to include them has everything to do with creativity. That is because you do want people to enjoy the books they read. You want people to want to turn each page. Picking and choosing what stories to tell, and how to tell them, determines how interesting the book is to people. It's all about creativity.

You've written several books. Have you developed a specific writing process that enables you to meet your goals? If so, can you tell us about it. Where do most of your ideas come from?

I get up really early!  So my process is to do the work when everyone is sleeping because I feel that my day is never long enough.  I create time where I didn't have time before, and so I continually get up at the crack of dawn. I have coffee. The house is quiet. I'm able to be in my work space for a few hours.  That's really the best tool I have. I carve out a time when nobody is going to interrupt me.  This has been a real gift.

With regard to your current focus, Parentless Parents, was there an "ah-ha" moment you can tell us about?

There are two parts to that answer:

(1) After my last book came out, Always Too Soon, the one part that everyone wanted to keep talking about was how the loss of our parents impacts and shapes how we parent our children.  I thought that was really interesting. That was the primary issue that everyone wanted to talk about. 

(2) The other part was me.  It was my personal story.  I was dealing with being a parentless parent day in and day out.  

So in response to my readers, the topic emerged as something important for me to take on both professionally and personally.

In conducting research for my novel, Aberrations, I read Hope Edelman's books on Motherless Daughters. The protagonist of Aberrations is motherless; however, my interest in writing about a motherless daughter was driven by my own profound feeling of motherlessness, which existed despite my mother being alive. She was there but not there. Did you come across any research related to situations where the parent(s) may be alive, but yet emotionally or physically absent from the family unit? Can you share your thoughts on any similarities or differences between the two scenarios?

That's a really good question!  My research was extremely focused.  There are so many variables that could have been included, such as parents who were emitionally or physically absent, parents who may have been incarcerated, etc.  There are a lot of reasons why parents are not involved.  Because of my experience that they were gone due to illness and eventual death, I kept my focus very limited.

Your web site has tons of great information for parentless parents. Can you tell us about some of the top issues that parentless parents face emotionally, and why?

There is something I write about called the I factor, where I stands for irreplaceable.  This refers to the loses that are specific to losing one's parents via death. It's not about parents wishing they had more babysitters, for example, because that's a very easy thing for people to brush aside. For example, they could say, "Well, my parents live in California and I live in Idaho so they can't babysit either." I tried to come up with the I factor as a way of explaining why there are the differences in being a parentless parent versus not being parentless. 

One of the big differences is not having a connection to your own childhood in terms of a direct link.  It's often those very specific and detailed tidbits for which a parentless parent lacks access. Parentless parents read blogs and parenting books, and do all the things you do as educated group, but the real information they need is specific to them. They are never going to get that info from those other avenues. Really important details that could impact their parenting choices are lost forever.

Not having a parent or parents, whether deceased or emotionally absent, is one of those major aberrations in life that are thrust upon us. There must be a loneliness factor involved. Is it only me who has that big hole, or is it there for everyone? If so, can a person ever really fill that space? Could it be that the gap exists only in cases where the relationship was lacking as opposed to losing a parent with whom there existed a healthy relationship? Can you comment on this?

I think there are going to be tremors of the loss or aberration forever.  It becomes part of your DNA. It becomes part of your fabric. It becomes a part of who you are.  I believe there are many things you can do, not to completely fill the void because I actually do think that's impossible, but rather to put a very healing and effective band-aid on top of the wound. 

What I mean by that is finding support.  It's hugely important that anyone who has an aberration of any sort connect with people who are of the same mind set and experience.  Finding support groups, whether in person or on line, is incredibly important.  For example, people are joining the chapters of Parentless Parents, which are spreading out across the country.  Those are great places to go; in person connections are really important.  Also, I think the Parentless Parent group page on Facebook is another great place.  So many people are on line and on Facebook already, so for people to be able to easily, and in the course of their general day, check in and connect with others who are in a similar situation is another incredible value. It helps folks feel supported. 

The last thing I would say is that family doesn't have to be what you're born with.  I truly believe in the soul of my souls that family is what you also create.  It's your best friend.  It's your aunt who may be a fill in for you mom.  Maybe it's your best friend's mom.  Maybe it's just people who you've met in the course of your life, or on Facebook who may get you perhaps better than your own spouse does. 

What was so interesting about the surveys I did is that so many people who were happily married felt that even their spouses didn't understand where they were coming from. 

People process these aberration differently.  It's a matter of putting yourself in a place where you can connect with people who can proactively make all the difference in your world.

Talent Rising: Valerie Przekop

Aberration Nation is all about creativity.  I can't help but take a moment to brag about my daughter, Valerie. 

Valerie said her first words at ten months old.  By two, she was talking in full sentences ... and wouldn't stop.  One day when she was barely three, I ran out to do some errands.  Upon my return, my husband, looking like he'd just found hidden treasure, said, "You've got to hear this!" 

He had sent her to sit in her bedroom because she had misbehaved.  From her room, we heard our little, spunky 3-year-old singing.  She was belting out a made up song that went a bit like this:

I am in trouble.
Daddy sent me to my room, and here I am.
I was being bad but I'm not going to be bad any more.
I am going to be a good girl now.
I am in my room with my toys.
I love my toys.
I love my daddy.

We looked at each other with wide eyes.  We couldn't believe how incredible she sounded. 

As soon as she began in read, we took her to voice lessons with Susan Whitenack, an accomplished, classically trained vocalist in our area.  Her lessons continued for five years, at which time she took a break.  My husband and I wanted to be sure that singing was something she wanted to do. 

Her school has a talent show for 5th and 6th graders.  Last year, she wanted to do a dance with two of her friends.  We supported her although we'd hope that she would sing.  This year, she told us that she wanted to sing!

She's now eleven.  Last night she sang The Little Mermaid's Part of Your World in the Broadway-themed school talent show.  The kids don't usually sing a cappella but the school music director allowed her to do so because she had such great pitch.  

What a performance! 



As the crowd cheered, my husband said, "We should take her back to Susan." 

Her 22-year-old sister smiled and said, "American Idol."

Art of the Nude: Ilene Skeen

"It's a dangerous thing to believe that one part of you is at war with another.  It's not a good message to teach children; it leads to all kinds of trouble."

Growing up in the Deep South during the decade of free love and the one that followed, I was taught that my body was the worst thing about me.  What did it do? I wondered. Oh, it wasn't what it did, it was what it was going to do. Flesh was synonymous with sin, and we were all infected.  Apparently, only with God's help could I ever dream of overcoming my lustful nature.  I was taught to search for a way out of my own skin before I even had the chance to get comfortable.

I don't blame my parents; we were all part of a larger societal picture.  I stood at its center, gigantic plaid bows on either side of my tiny head, wondering how I could ever be a good person inside such a nasty shell.  The packaging I couldn't possibly escape was a large part of why I was so unfairly doomed from day one. Although that painful fight never quite made sense to me, I tried to fit in; to do the right thing.  I struggled to be as gosh darn good as everyone else appeared.

This led to all kinds of trouble. Self fulfilling prophecies ran rampant.  Needless to say, I failed.  The guilt and shame was unbearable. Remembering it now makes me sad, and a bit angry.  When I should have been celebrating my youth, I was waging a full scale, unnecessary war against myself.

Years rush by ...

Now I've gone and done it.   

When Bob Hogge (Monkdogz Urban Art) suggested that I step outside my comfort zone and paint a few nudes, I wasn't sure if I could pull it off.  It wasn't so much the actual painting that bothered me. The dark shadow of those old battles caused me to shake a bit in my boots although the war had long been over.  But because I've grown stronger than my past, I forged ahead.  Doing so enabled me to move to a new level in my painting. 

My guest today, Ilene Skeen, knows a thing or two about the great nude. She's become a champion of the art form. Unlike myself, Ilene was taught from an early age that questioning the world around her and formulating her own opinions is a great thing.  As an artist, the complexity of nude art has always fascinated Ilene. In 2003, after retiring from a technology-focused career in the publishing industry, she decided to create a web site devoted to the art of the nude.  After studying anthropology to gain a greater understanding of the cultural issues around art, she launched Barebrush.com in 2006.

On Thursday, February 10th, the first "brick and mortar" Barebrush art show will open at The Rogue Space Gallery in New York City.   

So this week in the Big Apple, the kid from the Deep South who was taught to wage war against her own body will cross paths with the kid from the Northeast who learned that thinking for yourself is a wonderful thing.  We'll find ourselves surrounded by flesh.  As Ilene puts it, we won't see "a shell of meat that has no spirit or a spirit that has no shape."  Instead, we'll immerse ourselves in an exquisite sea of full-bodied art to be appreciated and celebrated.  I plan to stand there, head held high, finally at peace with myself.

I can't wait.

Descartes said, "I think, therefore I am," spurring the cultural idea that the soul resides within the mind. Let's not forget the profound significance of that tender, vulnerable shell cradling it all.  For it's the two together who make us who we all are.


How has creativity shaped your life?

I’ve always been two-sided, being strong in both analytical thinking and creativity. I’ve never been purely one-sided. This is a key part of who I am. When I went to art school years ago, I didn’t receive any skills training. They just told me to be creative. Well, that didn’t work for me. At the end of my education, I wasn't confident that I could be an artist so I went into the business world. My creativity and analytical skills served me well there.  When I found myself unexpectedly retired in 2003, Barebrush emerged as my project.

How did Barebrush.com come about? Was there an "ah-ha" moment you can tell us about?

Around 2000, I was selling art through Yahoo auctions. Then Yahoo changed its rules and it became uneconomical.  However, I continued to paint.  When I retired, I decided that I was most interested in why people need to create art.  I tried to find the answer to this through an art history course, but they told me that’s not what art history is about. I ended up getting an MS in anthropology.  They invited me to study this question. After I earned my MS, I revamped my website, which had been on hold. In doing that, I realized that a group of artist on the same site would be much more interesting than just one artist. My watercolor series was called the Barebrush, hence the name. In 2006, I grabbed the domain name and drew my logo. Armed with a web site name and a logo, I bought a full year worth of advertising from Gallery Guide.  I knew I was going to do it.

I think the Gallery Guide guy thought I was crazy, but it worked out.

When I began painting nudes, my youngest daughter (age 10 at the time) asked me why I was painting naked people. She thought it was weird. I told her that many artists enjoy painting things from nature such as landscapes, animals, trees, water, etc., and that the human body is an important part of that. We represent a major aspect of nature and we shouldn't ignore that. She thought it made sense. Perhaps the answer is obvious, but from your perspective, why do some people have difficulty embracing nude art?

It’s a very good question! I’ve come to the conclusion that religion and the public school system teaches us that our minds are superior to our bodies. Many of us are taught that our bodies are either inferior, sinful, or something to be ashamed of. Artists who do nudes are concentrating on something that the rest of us are told we shouldn’t pay attention to.

Only athletes and dancers are encouraged to focus on their bodies. It’s an insidious and wrong approach. The mind doesn’t work without the body, and vice versa. You are one person with both aspects.  It's a dangerous thing to believe that one part of you is at war with another.  It's not a good message to teach children; it leads to all kinds of trouble. I’m really against it.

Have you always had an interest in art of the nude, and if so, why? Will that continue to be your focus moving forward? 

The first time I drew from the nude was first day of college. In my first art class on the first day, there was a male nude. Three or four people got up and walked out.  The teacher said, “Okay, that’s the way to eliminate people who are really not serious about art." (And in those days, male nudes models wore jock straps.) It so impressed me and it’s such a challenge.  I'm endlessly fascinated, so yes, I will continue. I’ve done other things – people, clothes, portraits, landscapes. But nothing fascinates me like the challenge of trying to represent both the physical and the spirit at the same time. That’s what I try to do, representing the body fairly, but more importantly, I try to bring out the essence of the person. I try to present the body as one the way I believe it is, not a shell of meat that has no spirit or a spirit that has no shape. I am dedicated and focused on that.

Nudes will continue to be the main focus for Barebrush, recognizing that there is a lot of other art. I was also interested in the controversy of nude art.  It is held apart, yet after a while I realized that nude art is just as much a part of life as our landscapes and pots. If I showed them all, then folks who shudder to think of looking at a nude may actually do so. My idea with Barebrush is to raise or increase the number of people who are aware of and can appreciate the art of the nude. I’ve had to walk a fine line with the other genres to make sure we don’t lose our main focus – nudes.

Kelly Borsheim

Have you had any major set backs regarding your creative endeavors that you can share with us? If so, how did you manage to keep moving forward?

Art school was a major set back because it confused me. I earned an art teaching degree, but decided that I couldn’t inflict my confusion on little kids.  I couldn’t bear the thought of not understanding what I was teaching, so I decided to keep my art to myself. For a long time I didn’t paint; I did other things. I found a lot of outlets in my regular work to use my creativity in positive ways, and I was well paid. I got into computers early on. Writing programs--making something out of nothing--fascinated me. You’re given a vague idea and then create what others envision. I would analyze, spec it out,  ask questions, research and put a design forward that would solve the business problem. There's a lot of creativity in solving business problems.

Eventually I got back to art. I began studying it. In the 90s, I took a course at the New York Botanical Gardens. For the first time, I was taught skills--perspective, shading, etc. So I have a certification in botanical illustration. The skills I learned brought me back to the nude. I decided to apply them to what I was most interested in. 

Aberration Nation focuses on creativity and life's aberrations. Some folks out there may believe that being so focused on nude art is an aberration in itself. Do you believe some of the various attributes related to being highly creative have caused you aberrations in life, helped you deal with life's aberrations, or both?

I have to say that I was encouraged to think for myself when I was a kid, to look at facts and make my own decisions. I was not brought up to be one of the herd. I don’t think my parents did that purposefully to make me into a nonconformist. They just taught me to look at situations and assess facts.

I’m a pretty poor politician because I blurt out things that I probably shouldn’t say. I’ve learned over the years to keep my mouth shut and stop the tongue before it gets off the deep end.  In general, I’ve learned to stand up for the truth, for what’s right. I’ve had examples from my family that inspired me that way. If standing up for the truth and standing up for yourself is an aberration then at least whether you win or lose, you know you did the right thing. There’s no point in sitting something out, or having something you regret bothering you for the rest of your life.

Penelope Przekop

Have you ever had to deal with people in your life failing to understand your creative personality, interests, or drive? If so, can you tell us about it and how you've dealt with it?

I think I’ve had trouble being understood since day one so I’m used to it by now. You just have to keep going.

Do you think there is a difference between creativity and talent? What are your thoughts on this?

For me, neither of these words have any real meaning. I believe in focus and hard work. If you know your basics and you work hard at it, you can get there.  I suppose creativity is the ability to put things together that are not obvious, and talent is the ease at which you do it.  You have to put in the time and effort to become skilled. Yes, it’s easier for some people, but none of us are going to be Michelangelo in a week. He didn’t become Michelangelo in a week. I believe that if you focus, work hard, and then assess what you’ve done ... you make progress. As you make progress, things fall into place and people say, "You're so talented!  You're so creative!"

Michael Seif

You've stated that the upcoming "brick and mortar" Barebrush show will be the first of many. What is your vision for Barebrush?

I would love for the shows to continue! What I’m hoping for is the ability to connect art dealers with our artists. It’s happening in a small way in that some of the art in this show has representation. If there is interest, there will be a dealer involved who will make the sale for the artist. Rather than get the Internet to take the place of the dealer, I’m trying to attract artists who know how to get folks excited about their work.I would like Barebrush to provide a way to promote and manage art.  Then also provide artists with an  invitational show in New York City.

Sandro La Ferla

My plan is to start focusing on other genres as well.  I also envision 'click and buy' technology being part of the Barebrush site (with only a small, reasonable commission for Barebrush).  The other genres will be bigger. Nudes represent only 5% of the art market. The other genres could have their own shows ... so I think I’ll be pretty busy.

What is your primary motto or mantra in life? Why is this important to you?

It’s hard for me to say off the bat. I really have a hard time following an authority just because someone says to do so. I learned that from the type of family I had. I was taught that you could get things right without having to tear the house down to do it.

Paper Doll, No. 5

Paper Doll, No. 5

30" x 40" Acrylic on Canvas, Mixed Media

Detail Pics:

Over the next month, my art will be shown by two New York City galleries:

Barebrush at The Rogue Space, Chelsea, NYC, 10 - 13 Feb 2011

Monkdogz Urban Art, Seize, Chelsea, NYC, 4-5 & 7-8 March 2011


To see more of my work, go here.